| h o s t e d b y f a n - s i t e s . O R G |
I have hand-selected all of these quotes from most episodes. They all are by or about Luke and Lorelai. Sweet, funny, etc. Below is a list of all episodes I've collected quotes from. Clicking on the episode number will lead you directly to that episode. I also have quick links to the top of each Season. Enjoy.
4.01 4.02 4.07 4.08 4.09 4.10 4.11 4.13 4.17 4.18 4.19 4.20 4.21 4.22 |
5.01 5.02 5.03 5.04 5.05 5.06 5.07 5.08 5.10 5.11 5.12 5.13 5.17 5.18 5.19 |
LORELAI: Please, Luke. Please, please, please.
LUKE: How many cups have you had this morning?
LORELAI: None.
LUKE: Plus...
LORELAI: Five, but yours is better.
LUKE: Junkie.
LORELAI: Angel. You've got wings, baby.
LORELAI: Wow, you look nice. Really nice.
LUKE: I had a meeting earlier at the bank. They like collars. You look nice, too.
LORELAI: I had a flagellation to go to.
LUKE: So, what'll you have?
LORELAI: Coffee, in a vat.
1.02 The Lorelai's First Day At Chilton
LORELAI: [sighs] I already had the longest day of my life and, oh, look, it's only ten. How nice.
LUKE: There's no coffee.
LORELAI: That's not funny.
LUKE: I can give you herbal tea.
LORELAI: This is not an herbal tea morning. This is a coffee morning.
LUKE: Every morning for you is a coffee morning.
LORELAI: You're a sadist, you're a fiend!
[Luke walks back over with the coffee pot]
LORELAI: You're pretty.
LUKE: For here or to go?
LORELAI: To go, please.
LUKE: You wanna know what this stuff does to your central nervous system?
LORELAI: Ooh, do you have a chart? 'Cause I love charts.
LUKE: Forget it, kill yourself.
LUKE: What are you doing here?
LORELAI: See, now, that's why you were voted Mr. Personality of the New Millennium.
Where's your crown?
LORELAI: No lectures?
LUKE: My blood sugar's low. I'll eat an apple and get back to you.
LORELAI: Yeah. This morning with the being late, and my mother with her existing. Oh, and this father, this father from Chilton, he, uh, drove out to the inn all the way from Hartford just to ask me out.
LUKE: Really? You going?
LORELAI: No. He's got a kid in school with Rory, and the whole thing just seemed a little weird.
LUKE: Oh, good.
LORELAI: Good?
LUKE: Yeah, I think it's good that you turned him down.
LORELAI: Okay.
LUKE: I mean, he's probably old, right?
LORELAI: Old?
LUKE: Yeah. I mean, he's got a kid in high school.
LORELAI: Well, so do I.
LUKE: Yeah, but you were young when you had Rory. Most people aren't that young. Most people are, uh. . .
LORELAI: Old.
LUKE: Yeah.
LORELAI: Like this guy who asked me out.
LUKE: But you're not going.
LORELAI: No, I'm not going.
LORELAI: Hey, what do you think of Luke?
RORY: What do you mean?
LORELAI: I mean, do you think he's cute?
RORY: Oh, no. No way.
LORELAI: No way what?
RORY: You cannot date Luke.
LORELAI: I said nothing about dating Luke.
RORY: If you date him, you'll break up, and we'll never be able to eat there again.
LORELAI: I repeat, I said nothing about dating Luke.
RORY: Date Al from Pancake World, his food stinks.
LORELAI: I cannot believe what I'm hearing. Al's food does not stink, Al
stinks.
LORELAI: Hey, Backwards baseball hat - new look for you. [looks at Rory] She's eating pie? Did she even have dinner?
LUKE: You raised her, I just serve.
LORELAI: All right. You'll have to entertain me until she arrives. OK, Burger Boy, dance.
LUKE: Will you marry me?
LORELAI: You better be nice to me or I'm not inviting you to Rory Gilmore's birthday celebration this Saturday night.
LUKE: You don't have to ask me, you know.
LORELAI: I know. But I would like you to come.
(Lorelai starts out the door. Luke comes in carrying ice.)
LORELAI: Oh! Oh my God! You're a vision! Sookie, we have ice!
SOOKIE: Hallelujah.
LORELAI: How did you know?
LUKE: Well, a good rule of thumb is you can never have too much ice.
LORELAI: Oh, you're the best.
LORELAI: Luke? I'm not seeing Luke. He's just a friend.
EMILY: Mm-hmm.
LORELAI: Mom, I swear. Luke keeps me in coffee, nothing else.
EMILY: He seems to like you.
LORELAI: And you're judging this by what?
EMILY: By they way he looked at you.
LORELAI: Which is how?
EMILY: Like you were about to give him a lap dance.
RORY: Hey. My mom's not wearing any underwear.
LORELAI: Oh!
RORY: Well you aren't.
TAYLOR: You're just being selfish, Luke.
LORELAI: Still they don't notice. I can't take it anymore.
LUKE: Coffee? (no answer) Aw, come on. Are you mad at me too? I mean, a man can't choose whether or not he wants a picture of a fat, stupid bird on his wall? My God, that's the reason the damn Pilgrims came here in the first place.
LORELAI: Luke, I wasn't snubbing you. I didn't hear you and now I'm concerned about you.
LUKE: Sorry, just feeling a little persecuted lately. Coffee?
LORELAI: Oh look at him. Look how smug he is.
LUKE: He's bagging groceries. It's hard to be smug bagging groceries.
LORELAI: Oh look how he just handled those lemons.
LUKE: What are you talking about?
LORELAI: He threw them in the bag. Not tossed them or placed them but threw them like they were nothing to him.
LUKE: They're lemons.
LORELAI: They're symbolic.
LUKE: OK. We need to get you out of here.
LUKE: You're not going to kill the bag boy.
LORELAI: Why not?
LUKE: It's double coupon day. You'll bring down the town.
LUKE: Are you OK with the guy thing?
LORELAI: Yes.
LUKE: Really?
LORELAI: OK...ish.
LUKE: That's not OK.
LORELAI: Well it's OK with an -ish.
LORELAI: She just -- she thinks I'll disapprove, right? Well I won't. I will show her that I think this is great. Once she sees that I think this is great, everything will be back to normal between us, right? Right -- OK, good.
LUKE: So you passed the need for an actual person to talk to several minutes ago.
LORELAI: Oh, yeah. Before the gelato stand.
LUKE: You're an amazing woman.
LOREALI: Thank you for noticing.
LORELAI: There goes the fire chief, the police chief and the one paramedic
with a valid license. I feel safe, don't you?
LUKE: Tradition is a trap, it allows people to stick their head in the sand.
Everything that passed was so quaint, so charming. Times were simpler. Kids
didn't have sex. Neighbors knew each other. It's a freaking fairy tale. Things
sucked then too. It just sucked without indoor plumbing.
LUKE: Just tell me you forbid her to see the bag boy.
LORELAI: I did not forbid her to see the bag boy.
LUKE: Are you crazy?
LORELAI: Well, he looks like he's moving up to produce, so he's suddenly become quite a catch.
LUKE: That kid is trouble.
LORELAI: Can I order please.
LUKE: First time I looked at him, I thought he was trouble.
LORELAI: Excuse me, I'm the one who told you I thought he was trouble and you told me you thought I was crazy.
LUKE: You are crazy and he is trouble.
[Slides a Santa face hamburger in front of Lorelai]
LORELAI: What did you do?
LUKE: You wanted something festive.
LORELAI: You made me a Santa burger.
LUKE: It's not big deal.
LORELAI: He has a hat and everything.
LUKE: Yeah, I just cut a piece of wonder bread, you know, poured a little ketchup, piped on a little cream cheese.
LORELAI: No one has ever made me something quite this disgusting before. I thank you.
LUKE: Hey, this sign isn't just a decoration.
LORELAI: Honey, nothing in here is a decoration.
LORELAI: Look.
LUKE: Relax.
LORELAI: We're being passed by senior citizens.
LUKE: I'm going as fast as I can.
LORELAI: Bye Grandma, bye.
LORELAI: I bet you'd buy a Barbie for your daughter.
LUKE: Yeah, well, I'd probably give her the cash to buy it herself and meet her by the baseball cards.
LORELAI: Hmm. You'll make a great dad.
LUKE: You make a great mom.
EMILY: [Sees Luke] Were you on a date?
LORELAI: What?
EMILY: You have an escort?
LORELAI: No, it's Luke, Mom.
LUKE: Which is her way of saying we weren't on a date.
LORELAI: I'm sorry, I didn't mean it like that.
EMILY: It's not insane to assume a date was involved.
LORELAI: You're right, ok, it's entirely possible that I was out on a date.
LUKE: Just not with me.
LUKE: You're very brave for her.
LORELAI: Yeah, well it's my turn. God this sucks.
LUKE: Hey come on, you gotta think positive here - bright side, good thoughts. Rainbows, unicorns, clowns, little cute...furry - ok I'm out.
LORELAI: Thank God.
LORELAI: You don't look so good.
LUKE: Thanks.
LORELAI: That's not what I meant. You know you always look good.
LUKE: Yeah?
LORELAI: I mean you always look healthy.
LUKE: Ok.
LORELAI: But you don't look so healthy now. Now you look...
LUKE: Unhealthy.
LORELAI: Yes.
LUKE: Ok.
LORELAI: Oh what? So I said you look good. We're not in 5th grade. 'You look good', big deal. Stop staring at me.
LUKE: The truth hurts.
LORELAI: No you know what hurts? Having a screwdriver jammed in the side of your head [pointing behind Luke]
LUKE: What? [turns around] Oh my God!
EMILY: So what exactly is going on between the two of you?
LUKE: Nothing. Really. We're friends, that's it.
EMILY: You're idiots, the both of you.
LUKE: Thanks for the hat.
LORELAI: You're welcome. Looks good on you.
LUKE: Good how?
LORELAI: Just watch the procession.
LUKE: So Rory was at the game today.
LORELAI: Oh yeah.
LUKE: Yeah she was with some guy.
LORELAI: Dean.
LUKE: No, I know that punk. Some older guy.
LORELAI: Oh, that would've been her dad.
LUKE: Really? So that's uh....
LORELAI: The guy who impregnated me with Rory - yes.
LUKE: Oh, well, he did a good job.
LORELAI: Impregnating me with Rory?
LUKE: Now this has taken a very weird turn.
LORELAI: Um, can I make one more suggestion?
LUKE: No.
LORELAI: Curtains?
LUKE: No.
LORELAI: Manly curtains.
LUKE: Oxymoron.
LORELAI: What did you call me?
RORY: Luke will cheer you up, won't you Luke?
LUKE: Oh sure, I'm great at spreading the joy. What'll you have?
LORELAI: I told my mother about me getting married and it was slightly ugly.
LUKE: Yup.
LORELAI: Yup, what?
LUKE: Well, there's nothing like a wedding to screw up a family.
LORELAI: Actually, in my case, there's nothing like a family to screw up
a family.
LUKE: Something that's supposed to start nice, two people making promises to each other. I'll love you forever, I wanna die when you die, my life meant nothing until you used my toothbrush. And then it starts.
LORELAI: Well, that's not exactly. .
LUKE: Who do you invite, who sits where, open bar, yes or no. . .
LORELAI: Luke?
LUKE: Auntie Junie doesn't eat chicken, Uncle Momo's off his meds.
LORELAI: Junie and Momo?
LUKE: Just an example.
LORELAI: Of a retired circus couple?
LUKE: And then after all that planning, the reception will still be a disaster because no matter what you do or how carefully you plan, halfway through one of those nauseating Bette Midler ballads, someone's getting drunk, someone's sleeping with someone else's wife, and someone's chicken kiev is landing on the cake.
LORELAI: You know, the Gettysburg Address was only one page long, and that
was about a war.
LORELAI: Lots of people all having fun, just the kind of thing you'd hate.
LUKE: Sounds awful
LORELAI: You'd be miserable.
LUKE: Oh, yes I would.
LORELAI: But in spite of all that, I was kind of thinking, and you don't have to, that maybe you could pull yourself away for a second.
LUKE: Ah, well I...
LORELAI: I mean, you know, finish the ketchup tonight, but maybe leave the worchestshire sauce for tomorrow.
LUKE: I'll see how it goes.
LORELAI: Okay. I mean, it's just...it's a really big night for me tonight,
and I don't know, it just feels like you should be there. Anyway, I'll let
you get back to your ketchup.
2.03 - Red Light on the Wedding Night
LUKE: What's up Taylor?
TAYLOR: Up, I know of nothing up.
LUKE: What's up Taylor?
TAYLOR: I'm just happy.
LUKE: That's what makes me nervous.
TAYLOR: You're a paranoid man Luke. I feel very sad for you.
RORY: Max likes his three papers in the morning. The Hartford Courant, the New York Times, and the Wall Street Journal.
LUKE: Three papers.
LORELAI: He likes to be well informed.
LUKE: Yeah, well, reading three papers all reporting the same news is a terrific use of trees.
LORELAI: You be nice Luke, I mean it.
[Max walks into the diner]
MAX: Hey there.
LUKE: Max, buddy, top of the morning to you! Hey, you look good today. Brown is your color, my friend.
MAX: Thanks.
LORELAI: Traffic light, huh?
LUKE: It's unbelievable.
LORELAI: Well, it can always be taken out...with your bare hands or your teeth.
LUKE: Yeah, I guess.
LORELAI: Need some help?
LUKE: Nope.
LORELAI: Need some help?
LUKE: Nope.
LORELAI: Need some help?
LUKE: Nope.
LORELAI: So do you need some help?
LUKE: Well, 'cause apparently he's been getting into some trouble and Liz is afraid he's heading for something bad, and rather than handle it herself, she's just giving up. She's sending him here so I can straighten him out.
LORELAI: You?
LUKE: Yes.
LORELAI: You can straighten him out?
LUKE: Yes.
LORELAI: You, Luke Danes, the great communicator, you're going to straighten
the kid out?
LORELAI: Yeah, wow, that's...I'm sorry, what are you doing?
LUKE: I'm blowing this up.
LORELAI: What is it?
LUKE: It's a bed.
LORELAI: A bed?
LUKE: For Jess.
LORELAI: Jess?
LUKE: Jess, my nephew.
LORELAI: Luke, um, that's not a bed, that's a raft, which is fine if you're gonna build a moat around the diner but...
LUKE: It's fine.
LORELAI: Luke, the kid needs a bed. If you want to get him something inflatable,
make it a blonde.
[Luke is startled and spills coffee on the table.]
LUKE: Oh geez.
LORELAI: Sorry.
LUKE: No, I'll just...you want some coffee?
LORELAI: It's okay. I'll just lick it off the table.
LUKE: No, he just went out.
LORELAI: You didn't ask him where he was going?
LUKE: No.
LORELAI: Why not?
LUKE: Because he's not two.
LORELAI: Yeah, but Luke, he's new in town. He doesn't know his way around yet.
LUKE: Way around what? This is Stars Hollow. You take three left turns and
you're back in the center of town.
LORELAI: Luke, when a kid goes out, you have to at least ask where he's going.
LUKE: Why?
LORELAI: Because you're responsible for him now. If he goes and knocks over a liquor store, it's gonna be your fault.
LUKE: If I had asked him where he was going and he actually intended to knock off a liquor store, do you really think he would've told me that?
LORELAI: If he's dumb.
2.07 Like Mother, Like Daughter
LORELAI: Wow, busy today. Has Luke been advertising or something?
RORY: He gets good word-of-mouth.
LORELAI: Well, we have to start spreading bad word-of-mouth so we can always have a table.
RORY: Well, that would be wrong, but sure. Vermin?
LORELAI: Or no potable water.
RORY: Or no potable vermin.
LORELAI: That would scare them away.
RORY: Or confuse them away.
LORELAI: He never flirts with any of the women, do you notice that?
RORY: He's flirted with you numerous times.
LORELAI: Don't start.
RORY: Hey, flirt with him now, we need coffee.
LORELAI: Oh Luke, we're just dying for some refreshments.
LUKE: Keep your pants on.
LORELAI: Hmm. He can turn it off and turn it on so fast.
LUKE: By the way, you do tell people that you're the one that named my toolbox, right?
LORELAI: Toolbox, dirty.
LUKE: Oh geez.
LUKE: Okay, so what seems to be the problem?
LORELAI: Uh ha! The problem is. . .that's not funny.
LUKE: I like it when you're stressed.
LORELAI: Can you fix it?
LUKE: I don't know, I'll see.
LORELAI: You can fix it.
LUKE: You can say it all you want, it doesn't make it true.
LORELAI: You can fix it.
LUKE: Not with you hovering, I can't.
LORELAI: Okay, I'm leaving. You can fix it.
LUKE: Boy, I tell you, you've got nerve.
LORELAI: Okay. Well, I know this is your private business.
LUKE: It is my private business.
LORELAI: You don't see any validity to my side at all?
LUKE: I am a grown man. You cannot tell me who to date.
LORELAI: I'm not telling you who to date, I'm telling you who not to date.
LORELAI: Giddy up. [the sleigh starts moving] Uh! The horses heard me, I speak horse language! I'm Dr. Dolittle!
LUKE: Plus, I think the driver of the sleigh heard you.
LORELAI: Oh, yeah.
LORELAI: No, it's always different his time of year. It's magical.
LUKE: If you say so, sure. Oh look, there's the magical plumbing supply store where I bought a magical float for my toilet last week.
LORELAI: You disappoint me.
LUKE: Oh look. There's the magical Luke's Diner right underneath the apartment
that Jess magically lit by leaving every stinkin' light on.
LUKE: You never lied to your kid?
LORELAI: Ahh, to save her from great physical pain, yes. When she was little
and she would play in the kitchen, I told her that the burners were the devil's
hands, but I would say it in a really scary evangelist voice, you know, 'Don't
touch the devil's hands!' She still doesn't go near the stove.
LUKE: How 'bout some tea?
LORELAI: Absolutely, throw it in with the coffee.
LORELAI: Yeah. I was thinking that you could put on some fishnet stockings, a leather teddy, some platform boots, and go with us as Dr. Frank-N-Furter.
LUKE: Hmm. Well, now that is a thought.
LORELAI: You'll also need some gloves and a wig.
LUKE: Gloves, wigs, got it.
LORELAI: I'll do your makeup.
LUKE: Oh, that'll be a help.
LORELAI: There you go.
LUKE: Okay, sounds great.
LORELAI: Great. So eight o'clock, I'll swing around and get ya?
LUKE: Sure, good.
LORELAI: Good.
LUKE: Oh hey, if by some chance you knock on the door but no one answers even though all the lights are on, I'll just meet you there.
LORELAI: Okay.
LUKE: Okay.
LORELAI: So I'll see you tomorrow morning?
LUKE: Yeah, I'll be the one with the coffee.
LUKE: It's dark. Hand me the flashlight.
LORELAI: Why don't you have one of those hats with the lights on them?
LUKE: I flip burgers for a living.
LORELAI: Well how was it? Was there like a termite housing development under there? Golf courses and condos with rec rooms?
LUKE: It's actually not too bad.
LORELAI: Well what do you know? You flip burgers for a living.
LORELAI: So, let me get this straight. Uh, you and some guys who actually know what they're doing are gonna come over and fix my house, and I can pay them back whenever I want?
LUKE: That's right.
LORELAI: 'Cause I'm Tony Soprano?
LUKE: Only scarier.
LORELAI: Luke! Where is he, where is he? I need him! Caesar, where is - agh, agh, thank God. Hey, hey, you gotta come with me.
LUKE: What are you doing? Hey hey, I got plates here!
LORELAI: Put the burgers down. Caeser, you're in charge.
LUKE: Now wait.
LORELAI: Do you have money? I need money. Which one opens this thing? Is
it that one, not that one.
LORELAI: Luke, you gotta come out there with me. Patty gave my picture out to all these guys because she thinks I need a man.
LUKE: You do, one with a nice couch and a deep knowledge of Freud.
LUKE: Just buy your own basket.
LORELAI: I cannot buy my own basket.
LUKE: Why not?
LORELAI: Because that is pathetic.
LUKE: And chasing me around my diner begging me to buy your basket?
LORELAI: Also pathetic. But that is a pathetic I can live with, where that
pathetic is a truly pathetic pathetic, and only you can save me from the double
pathetic! Please!
LUKE: Forty-seven dollars, are you kidding?
LORELAI: Luke!
GUY 2: Forty-seven fifty!
LUKE: For what? Two stale Pop Tarts and a Slim Jim?
LORELAI: Okay, you're not getting the whole saving me here thing, are you?
LUKE: So what do we do now?
LORELAI: I guess we eat.
LUKE: This?
LORELAI: Yeah.
LUKE: First I have to buy it, then I have to eat it?
LORELAI: Hey, the basket of botulism does come with my company.
LUKE: Huh. You don't eat with your mouth open do you?
LORELAI: Women don't eat at all. We just look at food and jump on the treadmill.
LORELAI: We're supposed to be eating on the ground.
LUKE: Says who?
LORELAI: Every picture you've ever seen of a picnic shows people eating on the ground.
LUKE: Yes, and every time I have seen a picture of people eating on the ground
I've thought, what the hell are you people doing sitting on the ground? Spring
for some beach chairs, you cheapskates.
LORELAI: Hey, where are you going?
LUKE: I am going to the diner, I am going to get us some edible food and I'm gonna bring it back here for us to eat.
LORELAI: That is so not the point of today. I made this. I am insulted. I will now proceed to pout.
LUKE: I'll bring back some brownies.
LORELAI: Ooh, the pouting has left the building.
LORELAI: You know, your burgers actually taste better outside.
LUKE: Good. Next time the roof in the diner's leaking, I'll just rip the
stupid thing off.
LORELAI: So this is nice, huh? Come on, admit it.
LUKE: Never.
LORELAI: What? Admit it, you would much rather be sitting out here than inside working.
LUKE: The diner's probably on fire by now.
LORELAI: You are stubborn.
LUKE: I'm stubborn?
LORELAI: Yeah, you're stubborn.
LUKE: You're Miss Flexibility over here?
LORELAI: Hey, I can be flexible.
LUKE: Please.
LORELAI: I can. As long as everything is exactly the way I want it, I'm totally
flexible.
LORELAI: Do you want a fry?
LUKE: You want a carrot?
LORELAI: Impossible.
LUKE: Right back at ya
2.14 It Should Have Been Lorelai
LORELAI: This whole morning has been a little Twilight Zone-y.
LUKE: Or Outer Limits-y.
LORELAI: What?
LUKE: Great show, just as eerie, same era, but no one ever references it.
LORELAI: Oh, I'm sorry, I don't speak geek.
LUKE: You don't seem your chipper self.
LORELAI: I brought some sparklers. I'll light them later and do some kicks.
LUKE: You know, if you want I can clear the counter and you can play some bagel hockey.
LORELAI: You can't play bagel hockey by yourself.
LUKE: I'll play with you. You'll have to explain the rules.
LORELAI: Luke, are you okay?
LUKE: Stupid box! Stupid lamp!
LORELAI: Hey Luke, are you being attacked by your possessions again?
LUKE: I'm looking for my supply ledger.
LORELAI: Is it going well?
LUKE: It's going fine.
LORELAI: You have a sock on your shoulder. Is it helping you look?
LORELAI: What happened to this place?
LUKE: Nothing.
LORELAI: This is what I always pictured the inside of my head to look like.
LORELAI: Where'd all this come from?
LUKE: Jess. Liz shipped the rest of his stuff last week. He finally unpacked.
LORELAI: Well, he did a very nice job.
LUKE: I know it's crazy now, but I just have to get it all organized, figure out where to put everything, buy another dresser, a portable wardrobe, some storage bins.
LORELAI: Can of gasoline, box of matches.
LORELAI: What are you doing?
LUKE: Oh, watching TV.
LORELAI: Ah. Wow, that's cute. Is this the first time it's been away from its mother?
LUKE: It's a very good TV.
LORELAI: Hm, black and white, coat hanger antenna, really bad reception.
LUKE: It's fine.
LORELAI: Don't you have a fully grown TV upstairs?
LUKE: And three of the places make you put down a five hundred dollar deposit if you have a dog. Can you believe this?
LORELAI: You don't have a dog.
LUKE: I know, but it's wrong.
LORELAI: There wasn't one place you liked?
LUKE: No.
LORELAI: Not one place that gave you a little feeling of, 'Huh, well that has a nice vibe about it.'
LUKE: I don't use the word vibe.
LORELAI: Luke.
LORELAI: Oh good, describe it to me.
LUKE: I don't know. It had walls with a kind of a floor with a light.
LORELAI: Okay, hold on here, mister. If you tell me it's got a roof, I'm
stealing that baby out from under you.
LORELAI: I mean, I could answer the door wrapped in cellophane but unless I was wearing a Yankees cap. . .ugh, he wouldn't even notice.
LUKE: Geez.
LORELAI: Oh, don't be embarrassed Snuffy, I'm just teasing. It'd be a Mets
cap.
LORELAI: Oh, relax Snuffy. Let's talk. What do you think?
LUKE: She used the word vibe.
LORELAI: About the apartment.
LUKE: I am not getting a pet.
LORELAI: I'm talking about a lady friend.
LUKE: Oh.
LORELAI: A red-hot mama.
LUKE: Okay.
LORELAI: A big, pretty dish of lovin' with a spoon made especially for you.
LUKE: Boy, do I not feel good now.
LORELAI: Luke, Rachel's not the only woman in the world for you. You'll meet someone, someday -- probably at a Timberland store, you'll ask her out. You'll pick her up and take her on a patented Luke Danes night of romance -- juice bar followed by the batting cages -- and then you'll ask her back to your apartment.
LUKE: Any amount of money if you stop right now.
LORELAI: You'll bring her back to your place, lead her upstairs to the apartment
door. You pause, gaze into her eyes the stage is set, fate is waiting. You
open the door, and she sees your teeny, tiny apartment one room and no closet
space and Jess' feet sticking up in the air 'cause you never did get rid of
that body!
LORELAI: And to make matters worse, she spots it: the single bed.
LUKE: What's wrong with a single bed?
LORELAI: You know what they say.
LUKE: No, what do they say?
LORELAI: Never, ever date a guy who owns a single bed. It means he's not open to a commitment.
LUKE: What?
LORELAI: It says there's no room in this life for anybody but me.
LUKE: No, it says there's no room in this bed for anyone but me.
LORELAI: Okay, see, that's not a whole lot better.
LUKE: I walked around in a blind rage. I was crazy. I bought one of those Belgian waffles with the ice cream dipped in chocolate.
LORELAI: You ate that?
LUKE: No, I didn't eat it!
LORELAI: Of course not.
LUKE: I'm upset, not suicidal.
BABETTE: The horse is taller than the front door.
LORELAI: Way taller.
LUKE: What are you up to, Taylor? Are you breeding giant horses?
LUKE: You're gonna need a hospital, Taylor!
LORELAI: Hit him!
RORY: Which one?
LORELAI: Either one, I'm easy.
LORELAI: [in high voice] We like ice cream.
LUKE: Oh, come on.
RORY: A nice burger from Luke's and an ice cream soda, yum!
LUKE: You want that thing?
LORELAI: With a cherry.
LUKE: With the striped awning and the giant horse?
LORELAI: [to Luke] Hey, you get to be Taylor's landlord, that's kind of cool.
LUKE: Thanks for your lack of help.
LORELAI: Grump.
3.04 One's Got Class and the Other One Dyes
LORELAI: Great, fine, do what you want. I guess I'm just out the thousand-dollar deposit.
LUKE: What deposit?
LORELAI: For the room.
LUKE: What room?
LORELAI: For the thing, for the afterwards thing. . .
LUKE: Oh, wait, now, you're talking crazy talk trying to confuse me, aren't you?
LORELAI: Aren't you?
LUKE: What?
LORELAI: Who?
LUKE: Stop.
LUKE: Uh, hold on a sec! I agreed to this under coercion.
LORELAI: You said yes on your own.
LUKE: I said yes because when I said no you talked baby talk loudly in front
of all my customers until I got so sick of it I just agreed to do it to shut
you up.
LUKE: Hey, I'm not dressing up for this.
LORELAI: Well, you need something better than that.
LUKE: The whole point of this stupid class talk was for us to talk about
our work and our success. This flannel shirt is my most successful outfit.
I've closed many a deal in this outfit. It's my power outfit.
LUKE: I don't wanna change.
LORELAI: Be a good boy and I'll buy you a toy afterward. You wanna toy?
...
JESS: No problem. What was that about a toy?
LORELAI: Your Uncle Luke is getting one if he's a good boy.
...
JESS: That attitude's gonna lose you that toy.
LUKE: Stay outta this!
LORELAI: I've seen you swimming at the lake so I've seen you with your shirt off.
JESS: Lately? 'Cause he's really let himself go.
LUKE: [from bathroom] I'll be one second.
LORELAI: Lose the baseball cap, too.
JESS: You run the risk of his head falling off without it.
LORELAI: It wasn't funny.
LUKE: Not from your angle. From mine, it was an evening at the Improv.
LORELAI: I'm not gonna be allowed within a mile of the school ever again.
LUKE: On the positive side, you did me a favor. Now I have a pleasant memory from that school you being nailed like a two by four by a group of sixteen-year-olds.
3.05 Eight O-Clock at the Oasis
LUKE: Why not? You're a woman.
LORELAI: So what?
LUKE: So you have the same parts.
LORELAI: What?
LUKE: You shouldn't be scared of it.
LORELAI: Scared of it? You know, you're gonna be a bachelor for a really long time.
3.07 They Shoot Gilmores, Don't They?
LORELAI: Too pale.
LUKE: So what?
LORELAI: Pale means sickly.
LUKE: Or sunscreen.
LORELAI: Or Mad Cow Disease.
LUKE: Pale does not mean Mad Cow Disease.
LORELAI: Have you ever had Mad Cow Disease?
LUKE: Twice last week and my coloring was wonderful.
[they walk over to Luke's coffee table on the side of the dance floor]
LORELAI: Hey, we're dying, load us up.
LUKE: It isn't ready yet.
LORELAI: What?
RORY: Mommy.
LORELAI: What do you mean it's not ready? It's six in the morning. Nothing
says coffee like six in the morning.
LUKE: You did not get this from me.
LORELAI: Then who do we send our kisses of gratitude to?
LUKE: The eternal question asked yet again.
LORELAI: Have you seen Sookie and Jackson?
LUKE: Nope.
LORELAI: I've looked everywhere for them.
LUKE: Have you tried the insane asylum where everybody in this room is supposed
to be?
LUKE: Yeah, I know, I just. . .I'm not really as anti-kid as I might have come off.
LORELAI: Drop another sucker in. . .
LUKE: Okay, yes. I don't always have the patience for 'em. They tend to be a little squishy, and that freaks me out a little.
LORELAI: You don't have to want kids, Luke. Or like kids. It's not for everybody.
LUKE: I know, but. . .although I'm quite happy going an entire day without having to deal with somebody else's bodily functions, if I ever happen to meet the right person. . .well, it would be a discussion.
LORELAI: A discussion.
LUKE: Yes. Probably a short discussion, but still. Here, hold this. So what about you you ever think about having another kid?
LORELAI: Oh, I don't know how much fun it would be without biology finals and headgear. . . but sure, if I ever happen to meet the right person, another kid might be nice.
[they stare at each other for a moment]
LUKE: Your shoe'll be ready in a minute
LORELAI: Thank you.
LORELAI: You know what, I've spent a lot of time and energy fighting the whole Jess thing. Rory's made her choice, I want her to be happy. I'm just hoping for the best at this point.
LUKE: Very romantic.
LORELAI: Says the man who yelled "Finally!" at the end of Love Story.
LORELAI: You know, they're together now.
LUKE: What?
LORELAI: Oh yeah. 'I have to get a part for my car', 'I'm going to go study' that's kid code for 'Meet me at the previously agreed upon location far away from my clueless uncle.'
LUKE: You're kidding me, right? You don't really think that. . .damn, they
are! They're together. They used the kid code and now they're together!
3.09 Deep-Fried Korean Thanksgiving
LORELAI: Hey. Anywhere?
LUKE: Anywhere.
LORELAI: [to customer at table] Hm, would you mind moving?
LUKE: I hate when you do that.
LORELAI: It's my showstopper.
RORY: We can't make it tomorrow.
LUKE: Oh, okay, fine.
LORELAI: It was beyond our control.
LUKE: That's fine, whatever. I'll be right back. [walks away]
LORELAI: Um, okay, I may be crazy, but he almost looked. . . .
RORY: Disappointed.
LORELAI: Yes, disappointed. We disappointed Luke.
RORY: I didn't think it was possible.
LORELAI: Our powers are greater than we know.
RORY: Hey. [hands Luke a bouquet of flowers]
LUKE: What's this?
RORY: Flowers.
LUKE: What do I do with them?
LORELAI: Ugh, not this again.
RORY: Put them in a vase with water.
LUKE: I don't have a vase.
LORELAI: You do this every year.
LUKE: I don't have vases.
LORELAI: Buy a vase.
LUKE: But I don't need a vase 'cause I never have flowers.
LORELAI: Except when we bring you flowers every year on Thanksgiving. Buy a vase.
LUKE: Stop bringing me flowers.
LORELAI: Stop bringing me flowers. I knew you were gonna say that because
you say the same thing. We have this same exact conversation every year.
LUKE: Shouldn't we give thanks first?
JESS: Thanks for what?
LUKE: Well, that we're not Native Americans who got their land stolen in exchange for smallpox infested blankets.
LORELAI: Amen.
LUKE: I'm gonna go pick up some stuff to hold us over 'til tomorrow.
LORELAI: Well, get some burgers.
RORY: And tater tots.
LORELAI: And pickles.
LUKE: Okay, hold on a sec. Burgers, tater tots, pickles. You want cheese on the burger?
LORELAI: Cheddar.
RORY: And swiss.
LUKE: Dessert?
LORELAI: Do we have to decide right now?
LUKE: I would seriously advise it.
LORELAI: Pie.
RORY: Cherry.
LORELAI: And whipped cream. And dental floss. And paper towels. And People
magazine. We're really hungry.
LORELAI: Hey, got any good stories?
LUKE: Nope, sorry.
LORELAI: Ah, nothing? No crazy, colorful uncle? Best friend with a funny name?
LUKE: Jeff Smith?
LORELAI: Skeletons in the family closet? War wounds? Funny shaped scars?
LUKE: It really throws you off when Rory's late, doesn't it?
LORELAI: Big time.
LUKE: Doing a little studying?
RORY: My mom's leaning how to fish.
LUKE: You're what?
LORELAI: I'm learning how to fish.
LUKE: Oh, sorry, wrong inflection you're what?
LORELAI: Go away.
LORELAI: And what if I am a really great fisher? Yeah, I mean, what if that's my calling, the thing that I am meant to do? And all this time I've been sitting here with the gift to fish and I am squandering it. It's like if Mozart walked right by the piano store and never played a note.
LUKE: So you're gonna fish to fulfill your destiny?
LORELAI: That's right.
LUKE: And you're gonna learn to fish to fulfill your destiny from a book?
LORELAI: Yes.
LUKE: And you sanctioned this?
RORY: Yes.
LUKE: Okay, Thelma, Louise, possibly there's another way to learn to fish.
LORELAI: The Fishing Channel.
LORELAI: Hey! Aw, they're so cute! Hello, hi boys. And look, they're all "ooh" like they're singing in a little trout choir.
LUKE: I wouldn't get too attached.
LORELAI: Hi Gomer.
LUKE: There you go.
LORELAI: Oh, don't be scared Pinky.
LUKE: And now there's Pinky.
LORELAI: Pinky Dowdy from fourth grade. See her eyes darting back and forth,
all panicked? She got that way from dodge ball. It's okay, Pinky, nobody's
gonna hurt you. Hey Pete, stop crowding Pinky. It's okay, Pinky, just go over
there behind Cheryl.
LORELAI: Ah! Hey, I made it in the pool, I made it in the pool!
LUKE: I see that.
LORELAI: Why aren't you excited?
LUKE: I'm very excited.
LORELAI: Well, jump around or something.
LUKE: All right, you know, you're going in the pool.
LUKE: I am gonna kill you.
TAYLOR: Oh, please, you are not.
LUKE: I am, too. I'm gonna kill you. I should've killed you before. I should've killed you the minute you put up those unicorn topiaries in the park, but, hey, hindsight, right?
RORY: Aw, I've missed that.
LORELAI: What do you think, biscotti moment?
LORELAI: Bonjour, Luke. Pouvez-vous attacher vos chausseurs?
LUKE: What?
LORELAI: Uh, hi, Luke. Do you know how to tie your shoes?
LUKE: Very good.
LORELAI: Yup. It came in handy, let me tell you. Not one shoelace fatality
on my watch.
LORELAI: The trip was incredible, we had the best time. We were supposed to come back on Saturday.
LUKE: I know.
LORELAI: Keeping tabs on me?
LUKE: Always safer to know which direction the tornado's coming from.
LORELAI: Hm. [sips her coffee] Mm, still good. I told 'em about you over there, Señor Swanky-pants.
LUKE: Can't tell you how grateful I am to have you as my press agent.
LORELAI: And there's more after you proposed and she said yes? What, you -
LUKE: We got married.
LORELAI: You got married? How could you get married?
LUKE: We asked the captain and he married us.
LORELAI: And that's legal?
LUKE: Apparently.
LUKE: Actually, there's a little more.
LORELAI: And she's pregnant. Oh my God, you finally reproduced.
LORELAI: Okay, well, my jet lag and your love life is making me dizzy. Is
there more?
LORELAI: Well, look on the bright side. I mean, now that you've been married, it'll silence all those questions.
LUKE: What questions?
LORELAI: You know, a single man of a certain age who lives alone.
LUKE: You're kidding.
LORELAI: Hey, I always defended you. I always said, "Hey, so what if he is?"
LUKE: Thank you for your support.
4.02 The Lorelais' First Day at Yale
LORELAI: Something's wrong with your truck.
LUKE: Nothing's wrong with my truck. Stop the truck.
LORELAI: It won't go out of reverse.
LUKE: You can't drive a stick.
LORELAI: I can't drive an uncooperative stick.
LORELAI: This is a misogynistic truck!
LUKE: What?
LORELAI: It's anti-woman, it's gender-selective, it's "Oh, let's drink a
beer and watch the game and hike our shorts up."
LUKE: Okay, fine. Just be careful and have it back by four.
LORELAI: Four-ish it is.
LUKE: Four, I need it at four.
LORELAI: Give or take a few min-
LUKE: Four.
LORELAI: God, he's so possessive about the stupid truck.
LUKE: It's my truck, I possess it!
LORELAI: What's this?
LUKE: A shift diagram for the truck, nice and simple. D is for drive, R is for -
LORELAI: The R in drive!
LUKE: R is for reverse.
LORELAI: Right, reverse.
LUKE: And one is -
LORELAI: The loneliest number that you'll ever know!
LORELAI: Hey, Luke. [sees three lawyers sitting at a table] Oops.
LUKE: Shoot me.
LORELAI: Now, or maybe later so you're surprised?
LUKE: You're late.
LORELAI: I'm sorry.
LUKE: It's okay. I told you to get it back three hours before I actually needed it back and it worked out perfectly.
LORELAI: You rat.
LUKE: The mattress that would not leave my truck.
LORELAI: I had no choice.
LUKE: I may cry.
4.07 The Festival of Living Art
LORELAI: Good Lord, is Nicole's lawyer still harassing you?
LUKE: No, mine was. And please don't point out the irony of my paying a lawyer to work for me.
LORELAI: Okay, but then you're gonna owe me something else I can ironically
comment on.
LUKE: You're involving yourself in this thing? It's such a stupid waste of time.
LORELAI: I just thought of the perfect painting for Luke to be in. "Cranky Guy in Baseball Cap."
RORY: Was that Manet or Monet?
LUKE: No way am I building that table out for them, no way.
LORELAI: Anyone ask you to, Jose?
LUKE: Nope, but they're going to.
LORELAI: So, um, is she moving in with you?
LUKE: No.
LORELAI: What, no? You're husband and wife. It's not a crazy question.
LUKE: No, we're man and woman. We're just seeing each other as if we're not husband and wife.
LORELAI: Oh, well, the state of Connecticut sees it differently, you know. To the state, you're sharing a toothbrush holder and deciding together whether there's enough in the dishwasher to justify running it.
LUKE: Hopefully, the state will stay out of my way.
LUKE: We're just not dealing with it right now. We're just letting things happen as they happen. We're going with the flow.
LORELAI: You're going with the flow?
LUKE: We're going with the flow.
LORELAI: Oh, that's so strum your sitar, dig the Maharishi, pass the owsley,
summer of love, flower power, hippie-dippie, I can't stand it.
LUKE: She likes you fine, and, yes, she is very nice, and I missed her and she missed me and so we're dating again, putting off the hassle of getting a stupid divorce. Avoiding that hassle is the nice fringe benefit of getting back together again.
LORELAI: Aha, the hassle. Now we're getting down to it. If the divorce wasn't a hassle, would you still have gotten back together with her?
LUKE: I don't want to talk about this anymore.
LORELAI: Is that why we're still friends - because it would be too big a hassle for you to tell me you don't want to be friends anymore?
LUKE: What do you want to eat?
LORELAI: Eating's a hassle. I'll just starve.
LORELAI: No, and I was the very picture of awkwardness, and basically, I just fled. And when I saw Luke later, we got into a fight about it, and I told him his coffee pots were stupid.
RORY: So it was very sophisticated.
LORELAI: He is so guarded, so uncooperative.
RORY: You know, you should probably get over your problem with Luke being
uncooperative.
4.09 Ted Koppel's Big Night Out
RORY: You're gonna do this to Luke, aren't you?
LORELAI: 'Til he's so dizzy he throws up.
LORELAI: I mean, Luke is a man. With man parts, we think.
LUKE: You're going to the Harvard-Yale game? You know what they do at the Harvard-Yale game?
LORELAI: They make babies?
LUKE: They play football.
LORELAI: Yes, I know they play football.
LUKE: And you're supposed to watch them play football.
LORELAI: Let's not talk about me anymore.
4.11 In the Clamor and the Clangor
LORELAI: I don't even know what you live in! An apartment, a trailer, a batcave -
LUKE: A townhouse.
LORELAI: A townhouse? Sure, 'cause when I look at you I think "common driveway".
LORELAI: Will I? Will I come over, because me coming over implies we're friends!
LUKE: We are friends!
LORELAI: No, we're not! We're not friends! Friends tell each other at least
the most basic things like where you live and when you moved away. I thought
we were friends but I guess we're not! [Stands and reaches for her coat.]
LORELAI: Oh, you missed a spot. [Luke doesn't stop shovelling] This is really
nice Luke. Hey, can we fight again 'cause I need my rain gutters cleaned.
LORELAI: You want to help me break the bells?
LUKE: I'll get my toolbox.
LORELAI: [Gasp] What, they lock the door to a church, are they serious? What if I need to do something holy?
LUKE: Like commit vandalism?
LUKE: Okay, now just hold the flashlight, do not do any moving spotlight gags and point it at me and yell "Freeze, drop your weapons."
LORELAI: [laughs] How about if I shine it on the wall and do a dirty hand puppet show?
LUKE: Just stand back so the lightning only strikes you.
LORELAI: Okay, I'm out. What's your plan, Clyde?
LUKE: Well, I was thinking we could just jam the turnbuckle, or wedge the main mechanism, just for fun disconnect a few of the clappers; Contrary to popular belief you don't have to break every bell. If you just damage a couple, say the tierce and the prime, you pretty much ruin the set.
LORELAI: You must have been the top of your class at hunchback school.
LUKE: No, why would I have two toolboxes?
LORELAI: 'Cause then you'd have a big one and a small one.
LUKE: Well, if you have a big one you don't need a small one. [Lorelai opens
her mouth to speak] Don't say 'dirty', it's too easy. Hold these. [Gives her
tools]
LORELAI: There were dishes in the sink, some kind of shake in the blender,
Mega-Man protein powder on the counter. Remind me to mock you for that later,
by the way.
LORELAI: You watch her TV, you eat her food, you keep stuff in a duffel bag at her house; you're a rude guest, not her boyfriend!
LUKE: Husband.
LORELAI: I care.
LUKE: Why?
LORELAI: Because I don't want you to move.
4.13 Nag Hammadi Is Where They Found The Gnostic Gospels
LORELAI: Hence the need for fixing. I'm sorry. Are you drunk?
LUKE: I am not drunk. I do not get drunk.
LORELAI: Huh.
LUKE: I had some beer - beers. More than one. A few. And then I came here and I climbed your tree.
LORELAI: Well, good thinking.
LUKE: And then I fell out of your tree.
LORELAI: Hm, sit down.
LUKE: I landed flat on my back. I felt like Kirk.
LUKE: You talked to Liz?
LORELAI: I thought she was you.
LUKE: I'm a man.
LORELAI: Well, she was in your truck.
LUKE: When I'm in my truck, I'm still a man.
LORELAI: Listen, why don't you hang out here and rest for little while, okay? We'll get you a real bandage.
LUKE: I like the Barbie ones.
LORELAI: Yes, honey, but the other kids will beat you up if they see you
with one of those. I'll be right back.
4.17 Girls in Bikinis, Boys Doin' The Twist
LORELAI: Um...do you want to talk about it?
LUKE: What?
LORELAI: Whatever it is that's put you in this charming mood.
LUKE: [Clears throat, lowers voice] I am not wearing my socks.
LORELAI: What?
LUKE: I am not wearing my socks.
LORELAI: So, what are those, someone else's?
LUKE: I spent the night at Nicole's place.
LORELAI: Also known as "your place".
LUKE: Got up a little late, grabbed a pair of socks, and it wasn't until I was halfway to work that I realized they were someone else's socks.
LORELAI: And you're sure about this?
LUKE: Hey, if there's one thing in this life I am sure about, it's my socks. I buy the same brand in bulk, and I've been doing this for as long as I can remember. My socks are all white with a red stripe. These are white with a gold stripe and some sort of fruity padding in the toe.
LORELAI: Maybe they're Jess' socks.
LUKE: They are not Jess' socks.
LORELAI: Well, maybe when you went to the laundromat, someone accidentally left a pair of socks in the dryer, and then your --
LUKE: I don't go to a laundromat.
LORELAI: Uh, maybe they're Nicole's socks. You know, her gym socks or... you're not wearing your socks.
LUKE: I am not wearing my socks.
LORELAI: [Sighs] You know, Luke, you don't have to tell me what happened unless you want to. But I promise I won't ask you about it again... ever... in this lifetime or the next. You know, I'll just tell Shirley MacLaine, "Hey, look, back off, Shirl. If Luke had wanted me to know, he would have told me back in my other lifetime, and I certainly don't expect-"
LUKE: I wanted to see who owned the socks.
LUKE: Anyway, I sat here and watched them go inside. I had all these thoughts rolling around in my head. I mean, how could she do this, you know? In there- in our house. I mean, I... I put bookshelves up in there.
LORELAI: If it makes you feel any better, I don't think he's using your bookshelves.
LUKE: I suddenly just got so mad, you know, I lost it. I had to do something, so I got out and marched up to his car, and I kicked it.
LORELAI: You kicked his car?
LUKE: Oh, hey, I kicked it hard and over and over and over again.
LORELAI: Oh, you beat up his car.
LUKE: You've got one minute to order, then six minutes to eat.
LORELAI: Yessiree, come on down to Luke's, where the motto is "eat it, then beat it."
LUKE: One minute.
LORELAI: Oh man. Beat up the toaster again?
LUKE: This damn thing stopped working.
LORELAI: Could get another one.
LUKE: This one will be fine.
LORELAI: Sure -- as soon as it learns its place. You gonna go ten rounds
with the coffee maker, or - [Luke is already pouring her a cup of coffee.]
Ooh, thank you.
LUKE: What are you doing?
LORELAI: I need coffee.
LUKE: It's 5:00 in the morning. Make coffee at your own house.
LORELAI: I did. I drank it all.
LUKE: You drank all the coffee in your house before five in the morning?
LORELAI: Big gulps, lots of sugar.
LUKE: Keep moving.
LORELAI: [ Sighs ] I can't sleep. I can't turn my mind off. It keeps running and thinking and making lists.
LUKE: Maybe if you drank a little less coffee, you'd make a little less lists.
LORELAI: Oh, I can't stop drinking the coffee. I stop drinking coffee, I stop doing the standing and walking and the words putting-into-sentence doing.
LUKE: I'll make you some coffee.
LORELAI: [ Sighs deeply ] If I could move, I would hug you. In fact, in my
mind, I am hugging you, and also, I'm telling the plumbers that there's no
water pressure in rooms 10, 12, and 15.
LORELAI: Ohhh. Maybe I can't handle it. Do you think I can handle it?
LUKE: I already told you you could handle it.
LORELAI: When?
LUKE: Quite a while ago.
LORELAI: Did I believe you?
LUKE: Apparently, you didn't even listen to me.
LORELAI: Oh, hey. I want you to take a tour of the inn.
LUKE: Why don't I just wait till the place is repossessed? Then I can see it at public auction.
LORELAI: How can you be so mean to me when I only managed to line one of
my eyes?
SHEL: Listen, Lorelai --
LORELAI: Shel, have you met Luke? Hey, Luke...Get up! Uh, Shel, this is Luke.
SHEL: Nice to meet you.
LUKE: Yeah, you too.
LORELAI: Luke is my...special friend.
SHEL: Oh?
LORELAI: I have to tell you, renovating this place has been a real nightmare. I just don't know how I would have gotten through it without him. [Lorelai leans against Luke and forces him to put his arm around her waist.] Have I said thank you to you recently?
LUKE: Uh...no.
LORELAI: Oh. Well, thank you.
LUKE: You're welcome.
SHEL: Well, it was nice meeting you both. I'm just gonna go say goodbye to Sookie.
LORELAI: Oh. Bye, Shel.
LUKE: Bye, Shel.
LORELAI: [shoves Luke's arm away.] Don't touch my stomach.
LUKE: You put my hand there.
LORELAI: She's trying to set me up with Shel, the poultry guy? Why would
she do that? I just broke up with someone.
LUKE: When you scan the book, do you see the title?
ANDREW: Yes.
LUKE: Then no.
ANDREW: Luke, come on. What do you got there, porn?
LUKE: You sell porn?
ANDREW: No!
LUKE: You think I brought my own porn in here to buy?
4.21 Last Week Fights, This Week Tights
LORELAI: No, really, a nice, manly wreath in your hair wouldn't work?
LUKE: There's no such thing as a manly wreath.
LORELAI: Oh, I don't know. Julius Caesar pulled it off. He was very popular
with the ladies. Cleopatra used to pull his leaves off -- very sexy.
LORELAI: [whispering] Where's the minister?
MINISTER: [strolls into the gazebo singing and strumming a guitar] As kids we shared our toys/with all the girls and boys/barrel of monkeys/your battleship sunk me/please recall the joy/Wheelo, Clue, Mousetrap/bash and spirograph/kaleidoscopes spinning/Yahtzee I'm winning/think of how we laughed/but today we share our love/today we share our love/for love is the greatest toy around/around, around
LUKE: [trying not to laugh] Help.
LORELAI: Think of something not funny.
LUKE: Can't.
MINISTER: You may plant the ceremonial sword.
[Together, Liz and T.J. plunge a sword into a tree stump.]
LORELAI: Avalanches, earthquakes...
LUKE: Not doin' it.
LORELAI: Famine...and I'm out.
LORELAI: Oh, hey, so your food's probably cold. You want to go get some more?
LUKE: Sure, or we can...you know.
LORELAI: We can...do what?
LUKE: You want to dance?
LORELAI: Really?
LUKE: Yeah.
LORELAI: Um, you said before you don't dance.
LUKE: Well, I'm a compulsive liar.
LORELAI: So, hard to figure out which part of the evening was my favorite.
LUKE: There were a few.
LORELAI: Uh, T.J. throwing his tights at the bachelors instead of Liz's garter? You ducked well, by the way.
LUKE: Pure self-defense.
LORELAI: Ooh, the choking guy being Heimliched by the court jester?
LUKE: That was good.
LORELAI: Or -- or, um, the minister making out with crazy Carrie? T.J.'s brother making out with crazy Carrie? Or that last guy making out with crazy Carrie? Who was that guy?
LUKE: I think that was her husband.
LORELAI: Well, good night.
LUKE: We should do it again.
LORELAI: What, you got another wedding coming up?
LUKE: Nah, I meant have fun. You know, like a movie or something.
LORELAI: I didn't think you were a movie guy.
LUKE: I can be a movie guy. You like movies.
LORELAI: Yeah -- good, bad, and in-between.
LUKE: How 'bout next week? Sunday?
LORELAI: Sunday?
LUKE: Sunday -- you free?
LORELAI: I-I think so.
LUKE: Okay, good. Good.
LORELAI: Good. Good.
LUKE: I'll see you...before then, but I'll see you then, too.
LORELAI: Yeah, I'll see you both of those thens.
RORY: What's your damage, Heather?
LORELAI: I think I'm dating Luke.
RORY: What?
LORELAI: I'm not sure. It's just a possibility. I could be wrong.
RORY: But how? When?
LORELAI: I went with him to his sister's wedding, and it was really nice. We had a really good time. We laughed a lot, and we ate, and then we danced.
RORY: Danced? How?
LORELAI: We pop-locked.
RORY: Was it a fast dance, slow dance, group dance?
LORELAI: It was a slow dance. What is "group dance?"
RORY: The hustle, the hora.
LORELAI: No hustle, no hora. It was a slow dance -- a waltz. Luke can waltz.
RORY: Luke can waltz?!
LORELAI: Luke can waltz.
RORY: Look how you just said, "Luke can waltz."
LORELAI: What, I'm just saying, I'm surprised that Luke can waltz.
RORY: That sounded more like, "I'm surprised I still have my clothes on."
LUKE: Here, these are for you -- a little congratulations. [hands Lorelai the flowers]
LORELAI: Oh, my God, they're beautiful. Thank you. [flustered] I was - um...well, okay, so, we should get you all, uh, checked in. And that's...over there.
LUKE: [ Chuckles ] You okay?
LORELAI: Oh, God, yeah. Me? I'm totally fine. [turns toward the front desk and hits face into a door as man walks by] Oh!
LUKE: Lorelai!
LORELAI: [hits head again] Oh, God. Um, [Chuckles] I'm fine. No problem. [squinting in pain] Um, that was your door, so you could just follow that on up...and we'll see you at dinner. Rory? [beckons Rory to bring key]
LUKE: Are you sure you're okay?
LORELAI: Yeah, yeah, yeah, I'm fine. I'm fine It's like the third time I
did that today. It's a bit. . [Rory approaches and hands Luke his key] We're
going to be the comedy inn. We finally found our theme. So, you got your key,
and, uh, b-b-bye. [Luke exits up the stairs. Rory stares at Lorelai strangely.]
I've locked you in before, and I will do it again. [Giggles and smells the
flowers.]
LUKE: Actually, I'm feeling pretty stupid right now.
LORELAI: Why?
LUKE: I'm not a mysterious man, am I?
LORELAI: Well, the wardrobe's a bit of a head scratcher.
LUKE: And then when I walked you home after the wedding, there was a moment. I thought there was a moment.
LORELAI: There was! There was a moment. [Luke gazes at Lorelai, then moves closer.]
LORELAI: What are you doing?
LUKE: Will you just stand still? [He gathers her in his arms and they kiss. Lorelai pulls away then moves back closer to Luke.]
LUKE: What are you doing?
LORELAI: Will you just stand still?
[She holds his face as she kisses him. Luke's arms wrap around her as they
kiss. She pulls away again. As they gaze at each other, Luke grasps her waist
and pulls her back.]
5.01 Say Goodbye To Daisy Miller
LUKE: He landed butt first in Taylor's rose bushes.
LORELAI: Oh, poor thing!
LUKE: Didn't slow him down, though. I managed to tackle him as he headed toward the miniature goat pen, dragged him back here, threw one of your blankets over him, and, well, there he is -- he's gonna be fine.
LORELAI: Well, that's good.
LUKE: Yeah. So, you were gone for a while.
LORELAI: Yeah, I just had some things to take care of at home. Are you sure
he can breathe?
SOOKIE: Who was after you, honey?
LUKE: Assassins. He thinks assassins are after him.
KIRK: They were under my bed in my room, so I ran, and they followed me down the hall, down the stairs, past Luke and Lorelai kissing, through the yard, over that fence. [Sookie rolls her eyes and smiles in disbelief, Luke looks uncomfortable]
SOOKIE: Well, the assassins are gone now, Kirk.
KIRK: I imagined them?
SOOKIE: I think so.
KIRK: What about Luke kissing Lorelai?
SOOKIE: [ Chuckles ] I think you imagined that, too. [she glances at Luke and does a double take when she sees his expression]
KIRK: They looked so real.
LUKE: Hey, Lorelai --
TAYLOR: Oh, no problem, Luke. Butt right in. I couldn't possibly be talking about anything important.
LUKE: Good.
SOOKIE: How was it?
LORELAI: How was - ?
SOOKIE: You know. Was it on top of a table? 'Cause I always thought it would be on top of a table -- oh, like in "Bull Durham"!
LORELAI: There was no sex.
SOOKIE: No sex? Why no sex? [ Gasps ] Can't Luke?
SOOKIE: But he knows you're happy, right? I mean, he knows you're processing, but once you process, there's gonna be sex, right?
LORELAI: He knows. I think he knows. He should know. I hope he knows.
SOOKIE: Well, make sure he knows, okay? Because you two together -
LORELAI: Equals getting to the morgue before I smell. I got it.
LORELAI: We kissed. [silence as Luke smiles while remembering] You and me, we kissed?
LUKE: I remember.
LORELAI: And it was...unexpected.
LUKE: Lorelai, relax. I'm fine if you want to just forget it ever happened, really.
LORELAI: No, I don't want to forget it ever happened. It was a great kiss.
LUKE: Yeah?
LORELAI: If one of us had been a frog, it would have had some seriously impressive
consequences.
LORELAI: Well, yes, it's the only thing that makes really good business sense. So, where are you right now?
LUKE: About 10 minutes from "if I lived here, I'd blow my brains out."
LORELAI: Ah, yes, I hear it's lovely there this time of year.
5.02 A Messenger, Nothing More
LIZ: I am so happy for you. You've found your T.J.
LUKE: Please don't put it like that.
LORELAI: So -- [notices the sack] oh, you really ran an errand.
LUKE: I didn't run an errand, but I sort of kept up the pretense. So I went in the pharmacy. So, I was in the pharmacy, so I had to buy something, so I... I feel kind of dumb.
LORELAI: Yeah.
LUKE: [chuckles nervously ]
LORELAI: But you didn't really have an errand, right?
LUKE: Naw, It was just getting kind of crowded back there, you know?
LORELAI: Yeah.
LUKE: So, I brought you something. [Luke hands her the paper sack while he digs around in his shirt pocket]
LORELAI: Oh. [ pulls out a pack of cigarettes and gasps with pretense of
delight] My own smokes. Ginchy.
LORELAI: Good. [distractedly bumps into a spectator, causing him to release
a fistful of red balloons] Oh, I'm sorry. Oh, no! Oh, let me pay you. I don't
have any cash. Um, well, would you take an I.O.U.? Have you been to the Dragonfly
Inn? The food is great. Would you like to -- oh, I know. [pulls out the cigarettes]
Do you smoke?
LORELAI: [too bright smile] I can't believe you won't flirt with me in front of my daughter. She's gonna think there's something wrong with me.
RORY: Please. I got that confirmation letter a long time ago. Scrambled eggs with cheddar cheese and half bacon, half sausage.
LORELAI: I'll have the same, and put it on her tab.
LUKE: You get your own tab.
LORELAI: [dryly] Oh, thank God you don't have a Latin accent, or you'd be
completely irresistible.
LORELAI: [ Clears throat ] You gestured?
LUKE: [continues to look down while speaking quietly] Those jeans are really working for you.
LORELAI: Yeah?
LUKE: They're working for me, too.
LORELAI: You're flirting with me.
LUKE: Something like that.
LORELAI: Finally. Do it some more.
LORELAI: What are we gonna do?
LUKE: I've got some thoughts.
LORELAI: Alright, but no taking me to an art museum after hours and then to an empty Hollywood bowl where you give me a pair of diamond earrings that you bought with your college money when all the time you're really in love with your best friend, the drummer, who's posing as our driver for the evening.
LUKE: [pause] Okay, I'll think of something else.
RORY: A real date? Finally!
LORELAI: Yeah, finally.
RORY: What are you gonna wear?
LORELAI: Mmm, glass slippers, a backwards baseball cap...
RORY: ...and nothing else.
LORELAI: Exactly.
LUKE: Hot plates.
LORELAI: See? He called me "Hot Plates." He so likes me.
LUKE: Jeez. [embarrassed, he looks around before exiting]
LORELAI: Is this like a Mafia thing?
LUKE: Excuse me?
LORELAI: The whole coming in, special table, reserved sign. Are you gonna have to whack someone before the soup course?
LUKE: No, I've filled my whacking quota for the week. [cringes] Dirty?
LORELAI: [wicked grin] Extremely.
LORELAI: I'm just trying to remember the first time we met. It must have been at Luke's, right?
LUKE: [nods] It was at Luke's, it was at lunch, it was a very busy day, the place was packed, and this person -
LORELAI: [gasps] Ooh, is it me? Is it me?
LUKE: This person comes tearing into the place in a caffeine frenzy.
LORELAI: [gleeful] Ooh, it's me.
LUKE: Lorelai, this thing we're doing here -- me, you -- I just want you
to know I'm in. I am all in. [carefully watches her reaction] Does that, uh
-- are you, uh, scared?
[ Alarm buzzing ]
LORELAI: Mmm.
LUKE: Sorry. I forgot to turn the alarm off.
LORELAI: Bad alarm. Bad, bad alarm.
[Luke reached and turns off alarm, then scoots closer to Lorelai, who now uses him as a pillow]
LORELAI: [groggy] What time is it?
LUKE: Early.
LORELAI: Hate early. Must kill early.
LUKE: You walked into the diner like that?
LORELAI: I didn't think the diner could open without you.
LUKE: I had Caesar open.
LORELAI: Well, he did, with a floor show.
LUKE: Okay, so, maybe nobody noticed.
LORELAI: Look at me!
LUKE: Okay, yes. Well, but you wear crazy outfits all the time.
LORELAI: They usually include pants.
TAYLOR: All right, let's move on to the next order of business. Hmm. A very serious matter has been brought to our attention, and I would like to bring to the floor for discussion the possible negative ramifications of the inn owner and diner owner dating.
LORELAI: [ Gasps ] That's us.
LUKE: They're talking about us.
TAYLOR: Now, as you all know, the relationship we have feared for some time has emerged, and we need to carefully consider whether or not we can support this.
LORELAI: Oh, my God.
LUKE: We're sitting right here!
TAYLOR: Yes, we see you, Luke, and, as a member of the town, you are welcome
to voice your opinion.
LUKE: What the hell is he talking about?
LORELAI: Well he's not happy with our co-mingling.
TAYLOR: Think of the consequences. What will happen when the relationship goes sour, as, let's face it, most of Lorelai's relationships do?
LORELAI: Hey!
LUKE: Okay, that's it. I've heard enough.
[Fed up, Luke walks to the stage and yanks up the charts off their easels, and yells at the towns people]
LUKE: This is my relationship -- mine, not yours, not yours, not yours, [looks at Lorelai] yours, but not yours. Mine and hers but not - (looking pointedly at Taylor) yours! There's not gonna be any more debating about whether or not it's a good idea if we're in a relationship, 'cause we're in a relationship.
LORELAI: Show them the horoscope!
TAYLOR: But in the event of a breakup -
LUKE: There's not going to be a breakup.
GYPSY: Well, isn't he the optimistic fellow?
LUKE: Fine. In case of a breakup, I'll move. I'll close up Luke's Diner, I'll go far, far away, and that way you won't have to choose, okay? Every section in town can be pink.
TAYLOR: Can we have your word on that?
LUKE: You can have my word and a couple of middle fingers on that, Taylor.
5.04 Tippecanoe and Taylor, Too
LORELAI: You travel with a spatula? [pulls coffee mug out of nearby cabinet]
LUKE: Sometimes.
LORELAI: You've actually found yourself in scraping and flipping situations
without the trusty spatula before?
LORELAI: Luke is not running around naked in your kitchen. He is sitting at the table, and, yes, he is naked.
LUKE: [cringes] Don't do that. Don't tell her I'm naked. I'm not naked. [calls out] I'm not naked!
RORY: [teasing] He sounds naked.
LUKE: [dryly] Hey, excuse me, but my customers aren't getting in the way of your thing here, are they?
LORELAI: [considers] Uh, no, they're fine.
LUKE: Good. 'Cause I can kick them out or close down for you, if you like.
LORELAI: [brightly] That's sweet, but we're good.
LUKE: So you'll tell me if my business is in your way?
...
LUKE: Okay, maybe you were missing my subtle sarcasm there when I mentioned my customers being in your way?
LORELAI: [continues to smile brightly] Oh, no. I didn't miss it at all.
LORELAI: Oh, hey, the night of the rally, we're gonna need a sort of backstage gathering area.
LUKE: You cannot gather here.
[Lorelai glances out the window to the town square park]
LORELAI: But it's right across from the --
LUKE: [firmly] You cannot gather here.
LORELAI: See, the stage is right over -
LUKE: [very firmly] You cannot gather here.
LORELAI: Do you like my hair like this?
LUKE: [without skipping a beat] Yes, and you cannot gather here.
LORELAI: Wow. Sleeping with you is getting me nothing. [forms a "zero" with
her fingers for emphasis]
RORY: Right. We could go to Luke's. He's dating my mom now, so I get seated
right away.
LUKE: Hey, what brings you here?
LORELAI: Caffeine withdrawal. And I like looking at you.
LORELAI: Luke, this is your business. I've always paid, and I always should pay.
LUKE: Fine, but don't tip me. Tipping now is weird.
LORELAI: Okay. Besides, [exaggerated wink] I can tip you later.
LUKE: That was weird, too.
LORELAI: I'm a very awkward winker.
5.06 Norman Mailer, I'm Pregnant!
LUKE: Almost?
LORELAI: I just have to find my keys, and finish the laundry...
LUKE: That doesn't sound like almost, that sounds like we're gonna have to speed to the movies, park illegally, you hit the bathroom while I grab the popcorn, we'll meet back at the seats all sweaty and aggravated
LORELAI: Well of course I'll be aggravated, you forgot the Red Vines. No,
no keys here. [She continues searching behind sofa cushions.]
LUKE: You left your keys in the stove?
LORELAI: No, my socks.
LUKE: Your socks, of course. How naïve of me.
LORELAI: It makes them warm and slightly toasty. [She sits to puts them on.] Huh, that's weird.
LUKE: What's weird? There's so much to choose from.
LORELAI: They're still damp. I followed the recipe. Bake at two-fifty, ten minutes on one side, ten on the other, they should be done by now. Think my oven's broken?
LUKE: What about your dryer?
LORELAI: No, dryer's fine.
LUKE: Have you checked out the... Your keys are in the door!
LORELAI: Huh, they are? That's right, I had to go in the back way because the porch light was out!
LUKE: They're stuck.
LORELAI: Yeah. Yeah, that happens. [She hangs a towel over the doorknob.] There. You ready?
LUKE: I can never pick you up here again.
LORELAI: Luke did the funniest bit before, I thought you would so be
LUKE: Would you stop? I did not do a bit.
LORELAI: What are you talking about? The bit! It was a riot.
LUKE: It wasn't a bit! I banged my head on the stove and it hurt like hell.
LORELAI: No... no, you said it funnier before. Do it again!
LORELAI: Uh, Kirk, what are you doing? You're a giant hotdog.
KIRK: Technically I'm a giant wiener. The costume tag says "wiener".
LUKE: Get him away from my diner. I mean it.
LUKE: Let's just do it, get it over with. Meeting the parents comes with the territory. We can't put it off forever. [returns to the order pad adding up totals]
LORELAI: [too bright smile] Oh, yeah? My fourth-grade teacher wanted to meet
with my parents. She was hit by a bus 6 years ago -- never got the meeting.
LORELAI: Open with that. That's a great icebreaker. Now listen [tugging on his jacket sleeve] I want you to be careful about your consumption of booze.
LUKE: I'm not gonna drink too much.
LORELAI: You got it backwards, Pablo -- ride the pink elephant, baby, 'cause
it's your only defense against Emily Gilmore unless you're packing a kalashnikov.
LORELAI: What? Were you in the room? Did you not hear the awful thing she said?
LUKE: What did she say?
LORELAI: Rustic diner -- "rustic"?
LUKE: So?
LORELAI: Backhand slang for "crap pile."
LUKE: Or she was admiring its vintage feel.
LORELAI: What was the other word she used?
LUKE: Charming?
LORELAI: [ Chuckles ] Slang for "doggy poopy."
LORELAI: Wait, wait, what was the beer thing? Oh, my God.
LUKE: That was nice. I wanted beer. She was considerate enough to anticipate that that might be the case.
LORELAI: The word "beer" -- backhand slang for "nitwit juice."
LUKE: You're reading way too much into this.
LUKE: You know what's amazing? I mean, truly amazing?
LORELAI: What?
LUKE: She never said anything directly bad about me or the diner or anything else concerning me.
LORELAI: She's good.
LUKE: And all I did was thank her over and over. She'd hammer me, and I'd thank her.
LORELAI: [sympathetically] It's a talent.
LUKE: [forlorn] "Rustic" really did sound like "crap pile" that time.
LORELAI: Come on, babe, you'll feel better about halfwy home.
LUKE: Good.
LORELAI: Then the eye-popping nausea will hit you. The rich food mixes with the bitter memories, and it all gets worse, and then it gets better.
LUKE: Good.
LORELAI: Until you get to route 44, and then you hit bottom.
LUKE: Good grief.
LORELAI: I'll be ready with a tongue depressor to prevent you from swallowing
your tongue. I keep them in my purse. Step up.
LUKE: And he wants to shave me.
LORELAI: Shave what?
LUKE: I don't know. He just kept talking about shaving me. And I'm tipsy
-- we hit the club bar, and I didn't want to sound dumb and just order a beer,
because it's nitwit juice, so I had what your dad was having, which was whiskey
something -- more whiskey than something, let me tell you, 'cause I can't
even see straight.
LORELAI: Oh, wow. Diner love. "Over easy" takes on a whole new meaning.
LIZ: So, you and my brother, huh? [insinuating gesture]
LORELAI: Yeah, well...
LIZ: I'm so jazzed. I want private details.
[Luke appears with paper tablet and pen adding up numbers.]
LUKE: Tell her nothing.
LORELAI: Really -- nothing, not even about your Canadian mountie hat?
LORELAI: You've been holding out on me.
LUKE: What?
LORELAI: Um, paella, gumbo, lasagna king.
LUKE: You know, I have many talents, okay?
LORELAI: [grins mischievously] I know. I mean, the way you keep that mountie hat perfectly balanced the entire time we're --
LUKE: Okay, see, if you keep making mountie-hat jokes, you're going to eventually
believe that there's an actual mountie hat.
LUKE: Time to add the artichokes. [returns to the stove]
LORELAI: It may have choked Artie, but it ain't gonna choke me -- some "Little Rascals" humor there for you.
LUKE: I know.
LORELAI: You know? [Luke looks expectantly at her] you are the perfect man.
LUKE: Okay, hold on. [to Lorelai] Go stir the sauce.
LORELAI: [scoffs] Me? But I can't cook.
LUKE: It's not cooking -- it's stirring.
LORELAI: No, I'm not good with big spoons unless there's ice cream on the
end.
LORELAI: It's bubbling and turning brown.
LUKE: It's fine.
LORELAI: But what constitutes sticking?
LUKE: You can't ruin it.
[He stares helplessly at the ceiling when she continues]
LORELAI: I can. I have powers. Once, the Barefoot Contessa was making a soufflé,
and it fell. She looked out the TV and said, "Gilmore, was that you?"
LUKE: What are they doing in there?
LORELAI: Um, fighting?
LUKE: And how long can you fight in an 8 x 10 room?
LORELAI: Well, maybe they're not fighting. Maybe they're having angry make-up sex.
LUKE: Oh, that makes me feel much better.
LUKE: Thank you for not being related to me.
LORLELAI: [ Chuckles ]
LUKE: That came out wrong.
LORLELAI: No, I got it.
5.10 But Not As Cute As Pushkin
LORELAI: I will even drag Luke there. So if there's any audience participation, please pick on him.
MISS PATTY: Oh, Luke won't come.
LORELAI: Sure he will. I have very effective methods of persuasion. They
include extremely high heels and all of Jessica Simpson's bath products.
LORELAI: In my hand, ladies and gentlemen, sits the true advantage of dating a diner owner. I am never more than 10 feet away from pie.
[Grinning broadly, she carefully pushes the door closed with her bare foot and approaches the bed. Luke smiles indulgently.]
LUKE: I thought it was the way we always smell faintly of meat.
LORELAI: One quick trip downstairs, and I have all the treats I want. You're like Willy Wonka but hotter.
LUKE: I am not hotter than Willy Wonka.
LORELAI: Slap on a purple top hat, and you're close.
LORELAI: [contemplative] I think it's going very well, you and me. You think it's going very well?
[Luke continues to gently pat her knee without opening his eyes.]
LUKE: I have very few complaints.
LORELAI: Hm, I'm going right past the "very few complaints" comment 'cause I know you're just trying to bait me. [beat] What complaints?
[Without opening his eyes, Luke chuckles quietly.]
LORELAI: You're mad because this little old lady is moving to a nursing home, and you have to move your boat? Is this really the story you wanna stick to?
LUKE: She called me out of the blue, and I'd paid for an entire month.
LUKE: This is who I am. I don't want to hang on to things or stare at things.
LORELAI: Except my horoscope, which is absolutely the wrong thing to bring
up right now. I'm sorry.
5.11 Women of Questionable Morals
LORELAI: Wake up.
LUKE: No.
LORELAI: Come on, you're missing it.
LUKE: Is "it" sleep? 'Cause you'd be right.
LUKE [grunting]: The floor's cold.
LORELAI: Geez, you're so obsessed with the cold.
LUKE: Because it's cold!
LORELAI: I know.
[Luke growls.]
LORELAI [mimicking]: Grumble, grumble.
LUKE: I'm turning numb.
LORELAI: Keep moving.
LUKE: Are my feet still attached to my body or did they snap off coming down
the stairs?
LORELAI: ...why are the re-enactors staring at me?
LUKE: You wouldn't believe it if I told you.
LORELAI: The Reverend is blushing. Why is he blushing?
LUKE: I'd walk out of here is I was you. And try not to walk too sexy.
LUKE: What are you doing?
LORELAI: The icicle foot. It's the latest dance craze, all the hip kids are
doing it.
LORELAI [sipping coffee, then crying out]: Oh, hot! Warn me!
LUKE: Coffee's hot? Sorry. Coffee's hot.
LORELAI [holding her tongue]: Great, now I'm not even the town whore.
LUKE: Well, if you like, I'll leave a little something on the dresser for you tonight.
LORELAI: It couldn't hurt.
LUKE: You look deranged.
LORELAI: Take that. Argh, and that!
LORELAI: ...which has effectively ended my foot modeling career!
LUKE: Foot modeling is a dying art anyway.
LUKE: Oh, you two are easy.
LORELAI: Spread that around, will you?
LUKE: Will do.
LORELAI: An ice rink? How did this happen?
LUKE: Jack Frost brought it.
LORELAI: Does he look like Luke Danes?
LUKE: A little. Not as handsome.
LUKE: Well, I felt kind of bad about you and snow, the rough time you were having, and I really wasn't helping any by saying all that stuff about snow being a pain and impractical, and it's just icy water falling from the sky, and I thought maybe I'd get you two back together. Make you feel better about snow again.
LORELAI: Oh, yeah?
LUKE: I'm grumpy about stuff but I don't want you to be.
LORELAI: Hey. You built me a shelf. That's so nice.
LUKE: It was anything but nice. I kept using your crazy toothpaste.
LANE: Thanks. You look cute too.
LORELAI: I have a boyfriend, so maybe this flirting thing we've got going
on should just end here.
LUKE: I bought this damn oven and the thermostat doesn't work!
LORELAI: The damn thermostat or just the thermostat?
LUKE: Are you being cute?
LORELAI: Sorry, go on!
LUKE: How do you know this?
LORELAI: Well, I couldn't get to sleep the other night, you know, when we went to bed, and so I read your oven manual.
LUKE: You're kidding.
LORELAI: Well, it was either that or the broiler manual, and the oven won, 'cause it's shiny and pretty.
5.13 Wedding Bell Blues (Hundreth Episode!)
LORELAI: I want these boots.
LUKE: Those are work boots.
LORELAI: They're yellow and cute. I'll look like the Morton's Salt girl.
LUKE: How the hell did you find something to buy in my boat supply catalogue?
LORELAI: Size nine, please?
LUKE: And my final plea to not make me go to this thing tomorrow.
LORELAI: [Pause.] You do not have to go.
LUKE: Fine. I'll go.
LORELAI: I love it when I break you with just the sheer anticipation of a
wear-down!
LORELAI: Who is it?
LUKE [OS]: It's me.
LORELAI: Me who?
LUKE [OS]: Rory, can you just open the door?
LUKE: Wow. Look at those flower arrangements. This thing must've cost a fortune! They're real orchids.
LORELAI: A little gayer, please.
LUKE: I'm just saying.
LORELAI [serious]: Please? I promise I will dance just as spazzy as you will.
LUKE: I do not dance spazzy.
LORELAI: Then I will be the only spaz on the floor. Please?
LUKE: I do not dance spazzy.
LORELAI [smiles]: Thank you.
KIRK: Luke, you and Lorelai have reconciled.
LUKE: I know, Kirk. I was there.
LORELAI: Wow, did you see that?
LUKE: You know, if someone opened a store in this town selling giant butterfly nets, they'd make a fortune.
LORELAI: Come on, the crazy need love too.
LUKE: Speaking of which - [they kiss] Welcome back.
LUKE: Want some coffee?
LORELAI: Oh, say that again, slower and with your pants off.
LUKE: You bring an enemy coffee cup in here on the day of our reconciliation.
LORELAI [with a mobster accent]: At least I didn't ask you for a favor on this, the day of our daughter's wedding.
LUKE: Get that coffee out of here.
LORELAI: This is not coffee. This is a mocha chocolate caramel swirl-a-chino with extra whip cream.
LUKE: That sounds disgusting.
LORELAI: It is. And if it was physically possible to make love to a hot beverage, this would be the one.
LUKE: So apparently I've got competition.
LORELAI: No, no, no. It's just a fling. I'll finally spend the night with it, but then when I see it in the morning with the caramel un-swirled and the whip cream un-whipped, huh! Buh-bye.
LUKE: Where's your burger?
LORELAI: I ate it.
LUKE: I was gone two seconds.
LORELAI: Ketchup, please?
LUKE: By the time I get the ketchup, the fries'll be gone.
LORELAI: You're right, forget the ketchup.
LUKE: You're going to make yourself sick.
LORELAI: Yes, but my sickness will remind me of you, so it'll be romantic.
LUKE: Romantic nausea.
KIRK: I get that all the time.
LORELAI: I left it on your cell phone.
LUKE: Oh, is that what that annoying beeping sound was?
LUKE: What are you doing?
LORELAI: I am putting my number on speed-dial, so all you have to do is press one, see, like 'I'm number one' [she raises one hand in the air like a cheerleader] and then - [her cell phone rings in her purse] - oh, I wonder who that could be? [She pulls it out and answers it.] Hello?
LUKE: Give me. [He takes his phone back from Lorelai and talks to her on it.] No cell phones in the diner.
LORELAI: Oh, see, wasn't that fun?
LUKE: Totally.
LORELAI: Want me to put it on vibrate for you?
LORELAI: Hey, Kirk, how's the ribbon collecting coming?
LUKE: Oh, why do you get him started?
KIRK: I think we're near the finish line.
LORELAI: Who's winning?
LUKE: Hey, this isn't a contest.
LORELAI: I just want to know.
LUKE: I don't care who's winning.
LORELAI: Well, then you won't care if it's me.
LORELAI: Are they a little too ‘Come and get it’?
RORY: Don’t you want him to come and get it?
LORELAI: Uh, yes, but I want it to be his idea to come and get it. It’s not the same if the shoes tell him to ‘Come and get it’.
RORY: I really, really want to stop saying ‘Come and get it’.
LORELAI: ‘Kay, this is stupid.
LUKE: Yes, it is.
LORELAI: It’s not like we’ve never done this before.
LUKE: We have.
LORELAI: And successfully.
LUKE: I’ve made it to the door.
LORELAI: I’ve made it to the car.
LORELAI [sighs]: I just hate that we were apart.
LUKE: Yeah, wasn’t too fond of it myself.
LORELAI: Well, all I can say is, you’re lucky I’m back in your life, because clearly you were lost without me. I mean, it’s a miracle you’re even still alive. Right?
LUKE: You bet.
LUKE: My God, turn that off!
LORELAI: Getting to you, huh?
LUKE: You keep playing the same song over and over and over.
[They get out of the truck.]
LORELAI: I’ve got news for you. That was not the same song.
LUKE: Oh my God, you’re kidding.
LORELAI: Huh. Weird time for gardening, isn’t it?
LUKE: It could be like a raccoon.
LORELAI: Oh, hey, don’t shovel the raccoon.
LORELAI: No, Luke! You can’t hurt a raccoon. They’re cute. They have face masks like little furry burglars.
LUKE: And sharp teeth that chew through your wiring, and rabies
LORELAI: Luke.
LUKE: I’m not going to hit it, I’m going to scare it.
LORELAI: Hey! Why don’t you play it your Reggae Fever.
LUKE: There’s nothing in here but ice cream, candy bars, cookie dough, canned frosting. Why are you not four hundred and fifty pounds? [He puts a liter of ice cream on the table.]
LORELAI: I know. Scientists call it the Lorelai Paradox.
LUKE: Hey, there she is, the woman of the hour!
LORELAI: Apparently that's me. [They hug.]
LUKE: I am blown away by this!
LORELAI: Yeah, well, my hugs are that powerful.
[She sees the window between the Diner and the ice cream shop, taped up with newspaper.]
LORELAI: Oh! What happened there?
LUKE: Eh, what do you think? Taylor.
LORELAI: How did Taylor break the window?
LUKE: How do you think? By being Taylor.
LORELAI: Taylor's Taylor-ness can now break glass?
LUKE: The thing slipped out of my hand.
TAYLOR: Right after you said, quote, um, “you better duck, Taylor, because I’m going to throw this frying pan at your head”?
LORELAI: You threw a frying pan at Taylor’s head without me there? I hate
you.
LORELAI [to Luke]: I’m sorry, does Taylor have compromising pictures of you
or something?
LUKE: And I didn’t show up to say good-bye, and I’m feeling a little guilty about it, you know. He’s a good guy. I just want to do right by him.
LORELAI: Well. You are a terrific fellow, Luke Danes.
[Lorelai pinches Luke’s butt. He jumps.]
LUKE Hey!
LORELAI: I’m just getting the lewd behavior out of the way before the
presentation.
[The light goes off on the caveman. She pinches Luke’s butt again.]
LUKE: Hey, there’s people!
LORELAI: That’s half the fun.
LUKE: I want the house.
TAYLOR: What?
LUKE: I want this house, Taylor. All my life I’ve loved this house. They don’t build them like this anymore. I mean, you saw the banisters, right?
TAYLOR: Well, yeah, but
LUKE: No. I’ve always said to myself if you’re going to have a family and
buy a house, then it’s got to be this house.
TAYLOR: A family. You mean, you and Lorelai
LUKE: Me and whoever. Yeah.
TAYLOR: Huh. Well, I’ll think about it.
LORELAI: How pretty do you think I am?
LUKE: Are we using a specific day? Have you had a good night's sleep?
LORELAI: Okay, so what can I do to help?
LUKE: Nothing.
LORELAI: Ah. Perfect answer.
LORELAI: You know, I love watching you cook. It's hot.
LUKE: That's because you're standing right next to the broiler.
LORELAI: Oh, is that what we're calling it now?
LUKE: Not in front of the guys, please.
LORELAI: Fine. I'll save my dirty cooking jokes for later.
LORELAI: So, I am holding in my hand one of our comment cards on which a particular person has written, and I quote, “best meal I’ve ever had. The duck was exceptional, the lamb chops were amazing. Ask the chef if he’ll marry me.” What do you think?
LUKE: I don’t know, what does she look like?
LORELAI: I didn’t say it was a she.
LUKE: I’ll stick with what I have.
LUKE: No, Sookie’s supposed to be at home. And then I didn’t strain the sauce twice, so she came here to drive me crazy and she brought her loony husband with her!
LORELAI: Jackson’s here? How am I missing all of this?
LUKE: I don’t know, and I don’t care! I’m through! I’m not taking this
anymore!
LORELAI: What do you mean, you’re not taking it anymore? What are you going to do?
LUKE: You want to know what I’m going to do? Nothing! Because I am in a
relationship with you and you know very well I can’t leave. All I can do is
come out here and say I’m through and pretend I have a leg to stand on and
then march back into that kitchen and keep doing the job, but, oh, boy. I’m
going to be thinking about what I would have done if we weren’t in a
relationship, even though that would mean I wouldn’t be in this position in
the first place. [He nods.] Excuse me.
LORELAI: Aw. You were one hell of a white knight today, baby.
LUKE: Yes, I’m a regular Lancelot.
LORELAI: You’re starting to snooze.
LUKE: Uh-huh.
LORELAI [softly]: Do you want to go upstairs, or are you okay right here?
LUKE: Uh-huh.
LORELAI [whispers]: Luke.
[Luke groans.]
LORELAI [whispers]: What did you put in the lamb chops?
LUKE: Forget it.
LORELAI: Come on!