Spike Quotes, season four, Buffy the Vampire Slayer.
The harsh light of day
Harmony: Is Antonio Banderas a vampire?
Spike: No.
Harmony: Oh. Can I make him a vampire?
Spike: No. Wait, on second thought, yeah, go do that. Take your time. Do Melanie and the kids as well.
Harmony: You love that tunnel more than me.
Spike: I love syphilis more than you.
Spike: What a fantastic day. Birds singin', squirrels makin' lots of rotten little squirrels, the sun beaming down in a nice non-fatal way. It's very exciting. I can't wait to see if I freckle.
Spike (after Buffy stakes him): Oh, do it again. It tickles. You know, in a good way.
Buffy: The Gem.
Spike: Oh yeah, the Gem of Amara. Official sponsor of me killing you.
Spike: So, you let Parker take a poke, eh? Didn't seem like you knew each other that well. What exactly did it take to pry apart the Slayer's dimpled knees.Wild at heart
Spike (to Buffy behind her back, out of earshot): Watch your mouth, little girl. You should know better than to tempt the Fates that way. 'Cause the Big Bad is back, and this time it's... vvvaaaarghhhhh! (Hhe's being shocked with a taser.)
The Initiative
Spike (about Buffy): I always worried what would happen when that bitch got some funding.
Spike: It's me, baby. Your man is... (Harmony slaps him across the face.) back.
Harmony: Bastard. You dumped me and staked me and hurt me and left me!
Spike: I know, sugar, but you're forgetting one other thing I did. I missed you.
Spike: I'll give you a choice. Now I'm gonna kill you. No choice in that. But... I can let you stay dead... Or bring you back, to be like me.
Willow: I'll scream.
Spike: Bonus.
Spike: (tries to bite Willow and finds out that he can't)I don't understand. This sort of thing's never happened to me before.
Willow: Maybe you were nervous.
Spike: I felt all right when I started. Let's try again. (tries to bite Willow again, doesn't work)
Spike: Damn it!
Willow: Maybe you're trying too hard. Doesn't this happen to every vampire?
Spike: Not to me, it doesn't!
Willow: It's me, isn't it?
Spike: What are you talking about?
Willow: Well, you came looking for Buffy, then settled. You didn't want to bite me, I just happened to be around.
Spike: Piffle.
Willow: I know I'm not the kind of girl vamps like to sink their teeth into. It's always like, 'Oh, you're like a sister to me,' or, 'Oh, you're such a good friend.'
Spike: Don't be ridiculous. I'd bite you in a heartbeat.
Willow: Really?
Spike: Thought about it.
Willow: When?
Spike: Remember last year? You had on that fuzzy pink number with the lilac underneath. (Gives her a sexy look.)
Willow: I never would have guessed. You played the bloodlust kinda cool.
Spike: Mmmm. I hate being obvious. Being all fangy and 'Rrrr.' Takes the mystery out.
Willow: But if you could...
Spike: If I could, yeah.
Willow: You know, this doesn't make you any less terrifying.
Spike: Don't patronize me! (Paces around the room.) I'm only a hundred and twenty-six!Pangs
Spike: What part of 'help me!' do you not understand?
Buffy: The part where I help you.
Spike (on his chip): I'm saying that Spike had a little trip to the vet, and now he doesn't chase the other puppies anymore.
Spike (regarding Xander): Oh, leave that one! He looks like he's ready to drop any minute, and I think I can eat someone if he's already dead.
Spike: Oh, someone put a stake in me.
Xander: You got a lot of volunteers in here.
Spike: I just can't take all this mamby-pamby boo-hooing about the bloody Indians.
Buffy: Uh, the preferred term...
Spike: You won. All right? You came in and you killed them and you took their land. That's what conquering nations do. It's what Caesar did, and he's not going around saying, "I came, I conquered, I felt really bad about it." The history of the world isn't people making friends. You had better weapons, and you massacred them. End of story.
Spike: You know what happens to vampires who don't get to feed?
Buffy: I always wondered that. Giles, plates.
Spike: Living skeletons, mate. Like famine pictures from those dusty countries, only not half as funny.
Buffy: You can have gravy. That has blood in it, right?
Spike: Do you know what else has blood in it? Blood.
Spike: (tied to a chair, as arrows fly around him) Hey! Watch the heart! (Hus turns into a large bear.)
Buffy: A bear!
Spike: You made a bear!
Buffy: I didn't mean to!
Spike: Undo it! Undo it!Spike: You'd think one of you would bleed a little...
Something Blue
Giles: Look, look, Spike ... we have no intention of killing a harmless.. uh, creature.. but we have to know what's been done to you. We can't let you go until we're sure that you're ... impotent.
Spike: Hey!
Giles: Sorry, poor choice of words. Until we're sure you're, you're..
Buffy: Flaccid?
Spike: You are one step away, missy.
Buffy: Giles, help! He's going to scold me!
Spike: Well, I won't have you doin' mojo on me if you can't read properly. You might turn me into a stink beetle or what all.
Giles: It would be a generous ending for you, Spike.
Buffy:Giles! I accidentally killed Spike. That's okay, right?
Buffy: (to Spike) It's just so sudden. I don't know what to say.
Spike: Just say yes, and make me the happiest man on earth.
Buffy: Oh, Spike! Of course it's yes!
Buffy: There's so much to decide. Ceremony, guests, reception...
Spike: Well, first thing I'd say, we're not having a church wedding.
Buffy: How about a daytime ceremony. In the park.
Spike: Fabulous. Enjoy your honeymoon with the big pile of dust.
Buffy: Under the trees. Indirect sunlight, only.
Spike: Warm breeze tosses the leaves aside, and again you're registering as Mr and Mrs Big-Pile-of-Dust.
Buffy: Honey, we need to talk about the invitations. Now, do you wanna be William the Bloody, or just Spike? 'Cause, either way, it's gonna look majorly weird.
Spike: Where as the name Buffy gives it that touch of classic elegance.
Spike: This is the crack team that foils my every plan? I am deeply shamed.
Spike: That's it, you're off the usher list!
Buffy: What? You want me to stop working?
Spike: Let's see, do I want you to give up killing all my friends? Yeah, I've given it some thought.
Spike: Don't I get a cookie?
Buffy: No.
Spike: Well, I gotta have something. I still have Buffy taste in my mouth.
Buffy: You're a pig, Spike.
Spike: Yeah, well, I'm not the one who wanted "Wind Beneath My Wings" for the first dance.
Buffy: That was the spell!!
Hush
Xander: Okay, remember how we talked about private conversations, and how they're less private when they're in front of my friends?
Spike: Oh, we're not your friends. Go on.Anya to Xander: What about us, our romantic evening?
Spike: I'm not having these two shag while I'm tied to a chair three feet away
Xander: I happen to be very biteable, pal. I'm moist and delicious.
Spike: All right, yeah, fine, you're a nummy treat.Spike: Xander don't you care about me.
Xander: Shut up!
Spike: We never talk.
Xander (holds up a warning finger.): Shut up!
Spike: Xaaaaaannnnnddeeeerrr.
Xander: Shut up!
Doomed
Spike: Do I look like a plumber to you?
Xander: No, you look like a big mooch that doesn't lift a finger around here. But I have to get to work.
Spike: Yeah, delivering melted cheese on bread, doing your part to keep America constipated.
Xander: You were trying to stake yourself!
Spike: Fag off! It's no concern of yours.
Xander: Is, too. For one thing that's my shirt you're about to dust. For another, we've shared a lot here. You should have trusted me enough to do it for you.
Spike: I should think you would be glad to greet the end of days. I mean, neither one of you is making much of a go at it. You. Kids your age are going off to University, you've made it as far as the basement. And Red here, you couldn't even keep dog-boy happy. You can take the loser out of high school, but...
Willow: I see what you're doing. You're trying to get us to dust you.
Spike: Am not! I just don't want pity from geeks more useless than I am.
Willow: We're not useless! We, we help people. We fight the forces of evil!
Spike: Buffy fights the forces of evil. You're her groupies. She'd do just as well without you better I'd wager, since she wouldn't have to go about saving your hides all the time.
Xander: That is so not true! We're part of the team. She needs us!
Spike: Or you're just the same tenth grade losers you've always been, and she's too much of a softy to cut you loose.
Spike: I can hurt a demon!! That's right. I'm back. And I'm a BLOODY ANIMAL!
A New man
Xander: That's my radio!
Spike: And you're what? Shocked and disappointed? I'm evil!
Anya: So, what kind of place are you looking for?
Spike: I don't know. Maybe a crypt. Some place, you know, dark and dank. But not as dark and dank as this.
Anya: It's pretty depressing, isn't it?
Spike: I've known corpses with a fresher smell. In fact, I've been one.Spike: Well. What do I spy with my little eye? A demon. That would be ... oh, right, the things I can kill.
Giles: Spike. Wonderful. A perfect end to a perfect day.
Spike: Giles?
Giles: Go on, then. Let's get on with the fighting - You understand me?
Spike: Of course I understand you.
Giles: I'm speaking English?
Spike: No, you're speaking Fyarl. I happen to speak Fyarl. And by the way, why the hell are you suddenly a Fyarl demon? You just come over all demony this morning?
Giles: As a matter of fact, I did. Thanks to Ethan Rayne. You have to help me find him. He must undo this and then he needs a ... good being killed.
Spike: And I'm just supposed to help you out of the evilness of my heart?
Giles: You help me and I don't kill you.
Spike: Oh, tremendously convincing. Try it again without the stutter.
Giles: If you can't find third gear, don't try for third gear!
Spike: I'm doing my best. I don't know if I'm driving this thing or wearing it.
Giles: It's perfectly serviceable.
Spike: Funny hearing a Fyarl demon say "serviceable." Had a couple of them working for me once. They're more like, "Like to crush. Crush now?" Strong though. You won't meet a jar you can't open for the rest of your life.
Giles: Listen, about this Fyarl demon. Do I have special powers? Like setting things on fire with my sizzling eye beams?
Spike: Well, you've got the mucous thing.
Giles: What? Mucous?
Spike: Paralyzing mucous. Shoots out through the nose. Sets on fast. Hard as a rock. Pretty good in a fight.
Giles: Are you making this up?
Spike: Maybe. But hey, you feel a sneeze coming on, you warn me.
Spike: Hey, picked up a tail.
Giles: Yes. Just a little one. It hurts when I sit.
Spike: I mean someone is following us.The I in Team
Spike: All right. What do you want me to say? I need help. And no cheek from you. Look! The buggers shot me. In the back.
Giles: Remind me. Why should I help you?
Spike: Because you do that. You're the goody-good guys. You're the bloody freaking cavalry.
Giles: No, you can come up with a better answer than that. Why should I help you?
Spike: Ooh! Because I helped you! When you turned into that Fyarl demon, I helped you, didn't I?
Giles: And that was out of the evilness of your heart?
Spike: Oh, hell no. I made you pay me... You right bastard.Giles: It will be dark soon. I think it will be wise for you to leave Sunnydale.
Spike: I'm not going anywhere. Not until those bastards undo whatever they did to me. Put me back the way I was.
Xander: Sure. Just explain to the nice scientist guys that you really miss killing and torturing innocent people.
Spike: Do you think that would work?
Goodbye Iowa
Buffy: This is Spike. He's um.. It's a really long story, but he's not bad anymore.
Spike: Hey! What am I, a bleeding broken record? I'm bad, it's just I can't bite anymore. Thanks to you wankers.
Spike: Double shot of O-Neg, keep. Make it the good stuff. I don't want no freakin' Orangutan.
This Year's Girl
Giles: Have you seen her?
Spike: Is this bird after you?
Xander: In a bad way, yeah.
Spike: Tell you what I'll do then. I'll head out, find this girl, tell her exactly where you are and then watch as she kills you. Can't any one of your damn little Scooby club at least try to remember that I hate you all? Just because I can't do the damage myself doesn't stop me from aiming a loose cannon your way. And here I thought the evening'd be dull.
Who Are You
Faith as Buffy: You're a vampire.
Spike: Was. And as soon as I get this chip out of my head, I'll be a vampire again. But until then, I'm just as helpless as a kitten up a tree. So why don't you sod off?
Faith as Buffy: Okay.
Spike: Oh, fine! Throw it in my face! Spike's not a threat anymore. I'll turn my back. He can't hurt me.
Faith as Buffy: Spike? Spike. William the Bloody with a chip in his head. I kind of love this town.
Spike: You know why I really hate you, Summers?
Faith as Buffy: Cause I'm a stuck-up tight-ass with no sense of fun?
Spike: Well, yeah, that covers a lot of it.
Faith as Buffy: Cause I could do anything I want, and instead, I choose to pout and whine and feel the burden of slayerness? I mean, I could be rich, I could be famous, I could have anything. Anyone. Even you, Spike. I could ride you at a gallop until your legs buckled and your eyes rolled up. I've got muscles you've never even dreamed of. I could squeeze you until you popped like warm champagne, and you'd beg me to hurt you just a little bit more.And you know why I don't? Because it's wrong.
Spike: I get this chip out, you and me are gonna have a confrontation.
Faith as Buffy: Count on it.
Superstar
Jonathan: Every demon in this town's gunning for you right now so I figure you're probably keeping pretty good track of them. Big arms, mark on its head... have you seen it?
Spike: No. But then again I'm probably lying.
Where wild things are
Spike (trying to scare Anya): Grr! Oh, it's you.
Anya: Spike! What are you doing? You made me yell really high.
Spike: Hey! Yeah, I did. I scared you. Gimme money.
Anya: I'm not paying you for scaring me.
Spike: You're not paying me. I'm robbing you.
Anya: Oh, well now that's just ludicrous. You can't hurt me because you've got that chip in your brain. Also, I like my money the way it is... when it's mine. Oh, now come on. You're not even bumpy any more.
Anya: A year and a half ago, I could have eviscerated him with my thoughts. Now I can barely hurt his feelings. Things used to be so much simpler.
Spike: You know ... you take the killing for granted. And then it's gone, and you're like, "I wish I'd appreciated it more." Stopped and smelled the corpses, you know?
Anya: Yeah. Now everything's complicated.
Spike: It's a terrible thing, love is. I been there myself. It ended badly.
Anya: Of course it did. It always does. Seen a thousand relationships. First there's the love, and sex, and then there's nothing left but the vengeance. That's how it works.
Spike: You and I should just go do the vengeance. Both of us! You eviscerate Xander, and I'll stake Dru. Like a project.
Spike: What are you doing? You brought me here?
Xander: Anya? What are you doing? You brought him here?
Spike: That's what I said! Only I hit the "here" part.
Xander: Anya, this is crazy. We had a little fight. It just means that we have to work our way through some stuff. It doesn't mean that we rebound with the evil undead. And what have we been doing with him anyway?
Spike: Oh, who's the puffed-up manly man? All splotchy and possessive.
Anya: It's not very convincing, is it?
Spike: Yeah. I see now what you said about him earlier. No follow-through.
Xander: Anya, look around! There's ghosts and shaking, and people are going all Felicity with their hair... We're fresh out of superpeople, and somebody's gotta go back in there. Now who's with me?
Spike: I am. I know I'm not the first choice for heroics ... and Buffy's tried to kill me more than once. And, I don't fancy a single one of you at all. But... Actually, all that sounds pretty convincing. (Walks off)
New moon rising
Adam: The humans need a leader... a champion. The Slayer can do that.
Spike: Yeah... the thing about the Slayer is... she is a whiny little thing, but when it comes to the fighting, she does have a slight tendency to win.
Adam: Then I guess you should be on her side.
Spike: This all goes down, the chip comes out, yeah? No tricks.
Adam: Scout's honor.
Spike: You were a Boy Scout?
Adam: Parts of me.
Giles: How did you get in?
Spike: Door was unlocked. You might wanna watch that, Rupert. Someone dangerous could get in.
