Spike Quotes, season five, Buffy the Vampire Slayer.
Buffy vs. Dracula
Spike: Well, well, you can take the boy out of the Initiative, but you can't take the initiative out of the boy.
Riley: What can you tell me about Dracula?
Spike: Dracula? Poncy bugger owes me £11, for one thing.
Riley: I'm out to find him before he gets another shot at her.
Spike: Tough talk cowboy, but you're not gonna catch him napping in a crypt. No, the Count has to have his luxury estate, and his bug-eaters, and his special dirt, doesn't he?
Riley: So you're saying I should check out mansions, that sort of thing?
Spike: No, I'm saying you should go home to your superhoney; have a nice, safe snog.
Real Me
Harmony: We're gonna kill the Slayer.
Spike: Singing my song now are you? You should pay me royalties for that one, at least get your own tune.
The Replacement
Riley: What are you doing here, Spike?
Spike: Oh, there's a nice lady vampire who's set up a tea room over by the next pile of crap. What do you think I'm doing?
Out of My Mind
Spike: And I should do what with my spare time? Sit at home knitting cunning sweater sets?
Buffy: Spike, I just saw you taste your own nose blood. You know what? I'm too grossed out to hear anything you have to say. Go home.
Spike: It's blood. It's what I do!
Spike: I will know your blood, Slayer. I will make your neck my chalice... and drink deep. (turns around and falls into an open grave) Oh!
Spike: Oh, Pacey! You blind idiot. Can't you see she doesn't love you?
Harmony: Is it safe? Has Buffy gotten to you yet? I saw her patrolling just now... with a stake! She won't give up until she's killed me to death.
Spike: Buffy's looking for you?
Harmony: Of course. That's why I'm on the lam. Didn't you hear? I'm totally her arch nemesis.
Spike: Is that right? I must've missed the memo.
Harmony: There was a mem- Spike, oh my God, this is like a real emergency!
Spike: OK. Is it bigger than a breadbox?
Harmony: No. Four left.
Spike: So it's smaller than a breadbox.
Harmony: Heh heh! No, only three.
Spike: Harmony... is it a sodding breadbox?
Harmony: Yes! Oh, my God. Someone's blondy bear is a Twenty Questions genius!
Spike: ...bathe in the Slayer's blood. I'm gonna dive in it. Swim in it. I'm gonna do the bloody backstroke.
Spike: Buffy, Buffy, Buffy! Everywhere I turn she's there. That nasty little face. That fancy shampoo commercial hair. That whole sodding holier-than-thou attitude.
Harmony: Well, aren't we kinda unholy by def-?
Spike: She follows me, you know. Tracks me down. I'm the pet project. Drive Spike around the bend. Makes every day a fresh bout of torture. You don't understand. I can't get rid of her. She's everywhere. She's haunting me, Harmony! This has got to end.
No Place Like Home
Spike: Oh, yeah, okay. Let me guess - you won't kill me? Ooh! The whole crowd-pleasing threats and swagger routine. Outstandingly original. You know, I'm just passing through. Satisfied? You know, I really hope so, because God knows you need some satisfaction in life besides shagging Captain Cardboard! And I never really liked you anyway. And you have stupid hair!
Family
Harmony: I went to April Fool', and absolutely everything was on sale.
Spike: You paid for it?
Harmony: Oh no! I just killed the clerk. Still, a bargain's a bargain!
Spike: There's no demon in there. It's just a family legend, am I right? Just a bit of spin to keep the ladies in line? You're a piece of work. I like you.
Fool For Love
Spike: You know there are quite a few American beers that are highly underrated. This, unfortunately, is not one of them.
Spike: As I thought: Some nasty thing got a taste of you.
Buffy: Don't get all excited. I'm fine.
Spike: Oh, right. Stuck in a dark corner with a creature you loathe, digging up past uglies, 'cause you're fine.
Buffy: Were you born this big a pain in the ass?
Spike: What can I tell you, baby? I've always been bad.
Cecily: I'm going to ask you a very personal question. And I demand an honest answer. Do you understand? (William nods)
Cecily: Your poetry, it's... they're... not written about me, are they?
William: They're about how I feel.
Cecily: Yes, but are they about me?
William: Every syllable.
Cecily: Oh God!
William: I know I'm a bad poet, but I'm a good man. All I ask is that... is that you try to see me-
Cecily: I do see you - that's the problem! You're nothing to me, William. (She stands and looks down at him.) You're beneath me.
Drusilla: And I wonder, what possible catastrophe came crashing down from heaven and brought this dashing stranger to tears?
William: Nothing. I wish to be alone.
Drusilla: I see you. You're a man surrounded by fools who cannot see his strength. His vision. His glory. (William gazes at her.) That and burning baby fish swimming all round your head.
Buffy: So you traded up on the food chain. Then what?
Spike: No, please! Don't make it sound like something you'd flip past on the Discovery Channel. Becoming a vampire is a profound and powerful experience. I could feel this new strength coursing through me. Getting killed made me feel alive for the very first time.
Spike: Oh, I'm sorry, did I sully our good name? We're vampires.
Spike: Lesson the first: A Slayer must always reach for her weapon. (He puts his vamp face on.) I've already got mine.
Spike: The way you tell it, one Slayer's snuffs it, another one rises. I figure there's a new Chosen One getting all chosen as we speak. .
Spike: Death is on your heels, baby. And sooner or later, it's gonna catch you. And part of you wants it. Not only to stop the fear and uncertainty, but because you're just a little bit in love with it.
Spike: Death is your art. You make it with your hands day after day. That final gasp, that look of peace. And part of you is desperate to know: What's it like? Where does it lead you? And now you see, that's the secret. Not the punch you didn't throw or the kicks you didn't land. She really wanted it. Every Slayer has a death wish. Even you.
Spike: Sooner or later, you're gonna want it. And the second - the second - that happens, you know I'll be there. I'll slip in, have myself a real good day.
Spike: Come on. I can feel it, Slayer. You know you wanna dance.
Buffy: Say it's true. Say I do want to. (She pushes him to the ground.) It wouldn't be you, Spike. It would never be you. (She throws the cash at him.) You're beneath me.
Spike: "Beneath me." I'll show her. Six bloody feet beneath me. Hasn't got a death wish? Bitch won't need one.
Harmony: Okay, I'm trying to be supportive here, so don't drive a stake through my heart like last time, but... you can't kill Buffy. She is the Slayer, she is so going to kick your ass.
Spike: I've got two barrels here that'll prove you wrong.
Harmony: How are you gonna kill her? Think! The second you even point that thing at her, you're gonna be all "Aaagh!" (holding her hand to her head in imitation of Spike), and then you'll get bitch-slapped up and down Main Street, unless she's finally had enough and just stakes you!
Spike: Sure, it'll hurt like hell for about two hours. But she'll be dead just a little longer than that.
Shadow
Riley: What are you doing in here?
(Spike whirls around, hiding Buffy's sweater behind his back.)
Spike: What, me? I was um ... uh ... what are you doing here?
Riley: Looking for the girl who's gonna rip your arms off when she finds out you were in her bedroom.
Spike: Oh yeah? Well ... me too.
(Riley makes a move toward Spike, who flinches and tries to maneuver so Riley can't see what he's holding.)
Riley: Were you ... were you just smelling her sweater?
Spike: No. (Riley glares at him) Well, yeah, all right, I did. It's a... predator thing, nothin' wrong with it. Just ... know your enemy's scent, whet the appetite for a hunt. (He sniffs the sweater again.) Ah, that's the stuff! Slayer musk, it's bitter and aggravating!
Spike: Look, I know for a bleeding fact the Slayer wouldn't mind me being here.
Riley: Right, what's a little sweater sniffing between sworn enemies?
Spike: Okay, how 'bout this one. Twice in recent memory, she's had the lover-wiccas do a deinvite on the house. Keep out specific vamps. Ever ask yourself why she's never taken my name off the guest list?
Riley (after hesitating): Because you're harmless.
Spike: Oh yeah, right. Takes one to know, I suppose. Least I still got the attitude. What do you got, a piercing glance? Face it, white bread. Buffy's got a type, and you're not it. She likes us dangerous, rough, occasionally bumpy in the forehead region. Not that she doesn't like you ... but sorry Charlie, you're just not dark enough
Listening to Fear
Buffy: What the hell are you doing in my house?
Spike: Right then. Caught me. You're basement's full of junk, and me being in need of, uh, junk-
Buffy: You were stealing?
Spike: Well, yeah. Can't exactly work the counter at a burger bar now, can I?
Buffy: Wait. Are those pictures of me?
Spike (pointedly, to Riley): You just missed a real nice timeInto the Woods
Buffy: Every time you show up like this, you risk all of your parts, you know that?
Spike: I wouldn't be here if I didn't have a good reason. As usual, I'm here to help you, and I- are you naked under there?
Buffy: Get out.
Spike: No, I'm serious. I mean, not about the naked part, I mean-
Buffy: Get out or I will drop you out head first.
Spike: Look at you. All afraid I'm hot for your honey.
Riley: Because you are.
Spike: Well... yeah. But that's not your problem. Even if I wasn't in the picture, you're never gonna be able to hold onto her.
Spike: Come on. You're not the long haul guy and you know it.
Riley: Shut up.
Spike: You know it. Or else you wouldn't be getting suck jobs from two-bit vampire trulls. The girl needs some monster in her man... and that's not in your nature... no matter how low you try to go.
Riley: You actually think you've got a shot with her?
Spike: No, I don't. Fella's gotta try, though. Gotta do what he can.
Riley: If you touched her... you know I'd kill you for real.
Spike: If I had this chip outta my head, I'd have killed you long ago. Ain't love grand?
Spike: Sometimes I envy you so much it chokes me. And sometimes I think I got the better deal. To be that close to her and not have her. To be all alone even when you're holding her. Feeling her, feeling her beneath you. Surrounding you. The scent... No, you got the better deal.
Triangle
Spike (holding a box of chocolates, talking to a mannequin intended to represent Buffy): Um... there's something I got to tell you. About showing you Riley in that place. I didn't mean to... (long pause) Anyway, I know you're feeling all betrayed - by him, not me. I was trying to help, you know. Not like I made him be there, after all. Actually trying to help you. Best intentions. I mean, you know, pretty state you'd be in, thinking things are all right while he's toddling halfway round the bend. (He stares at the mannequin and starts to get increasingly angry.) Oh, I'll insult him if I want to! I'm the one who's on your side! Me! Doing you a favor! And you, being dead petty about it - me, getting nothing but your hatred and your venom and- you ungrateful bitch! Fuc- bitch!
(He loses control and smashes the box of chocolates over the mannequin's head. He then sighs, picks up the mannequin and replaces it. He rearranges the wig, picks up the box of chocolate, and tries to stuff the chocolates back in. He composes himself and faces the mannequin again. )
Spike: Buffy... there's something I want to tell you.Spike (to Olaf, who has just bumped into him): Hey! Watch it, mate! (Spike takes a look at him.) Second thought, do what ya like.
Xander: I'm gonna run get Buffy. Or maybe you could fight him.
Spike: Yeah, I could do that, but I'm paralyzed with not caring very much.
Olaf: You there! Do you know where there are babies?
Spike (to Xander): What do ya think, the hospital?
Xander: What? Shut up!
Spike: I'm not sampling, I'll have you know. Just look at all these lovely blood-covered people. I could, but not a taste for Spike, not a lick. Know you wouldn't like it.
Buffy: You want credit for not feeding on bleeding disaster victims?
Spike: Well, yeah.
Buffy: You're disgusting!
Spike (exasperated): What's it take?!
Checkpoint
Buffy (after Spike slays her vampire): Spike! Why did you do that?
Spike: Not for money, if that's what you're thinkin'. Your heartfelt gratitude is plenty. Expect I'll be getting that any moment.
Buffy: Gratitude? For getting in my way?
Spike: Getting in your way? I saved you!
Buffy: I was regrouping.
Spike: You were about to be regrouped into separate piles. You needed help.
Buffy: I didn't need you. I never need you, Spike.
Spike: Oh, I get it. You just don't like who did the rescuing, that's all. Wishin' I was your boyfriend what's-his-height - oh wait, he's run off.
Buffy: You know what? I don't need a boyfriend. To rescue me or for any other reason.
Spike: Don't need or can't keep? You keep making notches on the headboard, but eventually they get out of bed and run off, don't they?
Buffy: You're disgusting!
Spike: Rough talk. Maybe that's your problem - maybe you push 'em away? Or is it the other - maybe you cling too much? Or maybe... your beauty's fading. The stress of slaying aging you prematurely. Things not as high (gesturing at chest height), not as firm.
Buffy: You know what, Spike? The more I get to know you, the more I wish I didn't.
Spike: Or maybe you just don't hold their interest.
Lydia: She pays you? She gives you money?
Spike: Money, a little nip of blood out of some stray victim, whatever.
Lydia: Blood?
Spike: Well, if they're gonna die anyway. Come to think of it though, that's a bit scandalous, innit? Personally, I'm shocked. The girl's slippin'.
Spike: Heard of me, have you?
Lydia (flustered and a bit embarrassed): I... wrote my thesis on you.
Spike (flirtatious): Well, well. Isn't that neat?
Spike: They didn't put a chip in your head, did they?
Buffy: No.
Spike: Be funny if they did.
Joyce: I-I love what you've, um... neglected to do with the place.
Spike: Just don't break anything. And don't make a lotta noise. Passions is coming on.
Joyce: Passions? Oh, do you think Timmy's really dead?
Spike: Oh, no, no. She can just sew him back together. He's a doll, for God's sake.Blood Ties
Dawn: Jeez! Lurk much?
Spike: I'm not lurking. I'm standing about. It's a whole different vibe.
Dawn: You wanna come steal some stuff?
Spike: Yeah, all right.
Spike: Hey! Troll hammer! (He tries to lift it and fails miserably.) Didn't go with my stuff anyway.
Spike (reading from Giles' notes): "They had to be certain the Slayer would protect it with her life. So they sent the key to her... in human form. In the form of a sister." Huh. I guess that's you, nibblet.
Spike: You didn't think you could keep the truth from her forever, did you? Maybe if you had been more honest with her in the first place, you wouldn't be trying to make yourself feel better with a round of Kick the Spike.
Spike (about Dawn): She's not just a blob of energy, she's also a 14-year-old hormone bomb. Which one's screwing her up more right now, spin the bloody wheel.
Crush
Spike: It's just, we took on that Glory chippy together - I was right there with you, fighting the fight.
Buffy: Actually, you were sleeping the sleep of the knocked unconscious.
Xander: The point is, I work hard for that money.
Spike: And you're saying I didn't?
Xander: You stole it!
Spike: And you're making it into very hard work!Dawn: I feel safe with you.
Spike: Take that back!
(Spike offers Buffy his flask.)
Buffy: Ew.
Spike: It's not blood, it's bourbon.
Buffy (slower and with emphasis): Eeewww.
Buffy: These vamps have been here for a while. They've nested.
Spike: So, you're saying they're a couple of poofters?
Buffy (after Spike opens door for her): What are you doing?
Spike: I... I... was... I wasn't thinking.
Buffy: What is this?
Spike: Oh, don't get your knickers twisted, I was-
Buffy: What is this? The late-night stakeout, the bogus suspects, the flask! Is this a date?
Spike: A d- please! A date! You are completely off your bird! I mean- (he changes tone) Do you want it to be?
Buffy (disgusted): Oh my God!Spike: You can't deny it. There's something between us.
Buffy: Loathing. Disgust!
Spike: Something's happening to me. I can't stop thinking about you. And if that means turning my back on the whole evil-
Buffy: You don't know what you mean. You don't know what feelings are.
Spike: I damn well do! I lie awake every night-
Buffy: You sleep during the day!
Spike: Yeah but- you are missing the point. This is real here. I lov-
Buffy: Don't! Don't say it. I'm going.
Spike: We need to talk-
Buffy: We don't need to do anything! Okay? There is no we! Understand.
Spike: Buffy.
(Buffy walks out and slams the door behind her.)
Spike (grabbing Harmony by the throat): It's been fun while it lasted, Harm, but I think it'd be best now if you hit the road. (He flings her against the wall.)
Harmony: Why? Because she's back?
Spike: No. Because I am.
Drusilla (zapping Buffy unconscious): Shall we tie her up, play with her a teensy bit first?
Spike: Through playing.
Drusilla: Ooh, I like it when you're all do-er and straight-to-business-like. (She passes Spike her electric rod.)
Spike (upon zapping Drusilla unconscious): Bloody well through playing.
Spike: I love you.
Buffy (looking away, sickened): Oh my God.
Spike (lifting her chin): No, look at me. I love you. You're all I bloody think about... dream about. You're in my gut... in my throat... I'm drowning in ya Summers, drowning.
Spike: You can't tell me that there isn't anything there between you and me. I know you feel something.
Buffy: It's called revulsion. And whatever you think you're feeling, it's not love. You can't love without a soul.
Drusilla: Oh, we can you know. We can love quite well... if not wisely.
Spike: Don't mock this!
Buffy: Go mock yourself!
Spike: Just give me something, a crumb, the barest smidgen. Tell me maybe, someday, there's a chance.
Buffy: Spike... the only chance you had with me was when I was unconscious.Spike (shouting): Aaaarrrggghh! Gaaagggghhhhhh! What the bleeding hell is wrong with you bloody women? What the hell does it take? Why do you bitches torture me?
Buffy: Which question do you want me to answer first?
Drusilla: That's right, little girl, teach our naughty boy a lesson.
Spike: Oh, so now you're all ganging up?I Was Made to Love You
Spike: Thought I was gonna leave town? It's a free country. Free party. If you want me to leave, you can put your hands on my hot, tight little body and make me.
Spike: You threw me through a window! What's that about?
April: You cannot make those suggestions to me. I have a boyfriend. Warren is my boyfriend.
Spike: You know what? My bleeding sympathies to Warren!
Forever
Spike: Joyce was the only one of the lot of you that I could stand!
Xander: And she's the only one with a daughter you wanted to shag. I'm touched.
Spike: I liked the lady! Understand, monkey boy? She was decent. She didn't put on airs. She always had a nice cuppa for me. (pause) And she never treated me like a freak.
Xander: Her mistake.
Spike: Well, what do you know? Bitty Buffy.
Intervention
Spike: Was that your best, Slayer?
Buffybot: No.
Spike: Why not?
Buffybot: I wanna hurt you, but I can't resist the sinister attraction of your cold and muscular body!
Buffybot: You're evil.
Spike: And that excites you?
Buffybot: It excites me, it terrifies me... I try so hard to resist you and I can't.
Spike: Yeah?
Buffybot: Darn your sinister attraction!
Spike: Are you afraid of me?
Buffybot (smiling enthusiastically): Yes.
Buffybot: Oh Spike, devour me!
Spike (rolling onto her): Alright.
Buffybot: Spike, I can't help myself! I love you!
Spike: You're mine, Buffy.
Buffybot: Should I start this program over?
Spike: Shh! No programs don't use that word. Just be Buffy.
Spike (to Xander, as Glory's minions enter his crypt): Friends of yours? (Jinx punches Xander.) Guess not.
Glory: I am a God.
Spike: The God of what, bad home perms?Spike: Mark my words, the Slayer is going to kick your skanky, lopsided ass - (Concerned, Glory looks at her ass.) - back to whatever place would take a cheap, whorish, fashion-victim ex-God like you.
Spike (Buffy as the Buffybot, prompts Spike to explain why he didn't tell Glory who the key was.): Because Buffy - the other, not-so-pleasant Buffy... anything happened to Dawn, it'd destroy her, and I couldn't live with her being in that much pain. I'd let Glory kill me first. Nearly bloody did.
Tough Love
Dawn: You wanna know what I'm scared of, Spike? Me. Right now, Glory thinks Tara's the Key. But I'm the Key, Spike. I am. And anything that happens to Tara... is 'cause of me. Your bruises, your limp... that's all me, too. I'm like a lightning rod for pain, and hurt... and everyone around me suffers and dies. I must be something so horrible to cause so much pain and evil.
Spike: Rot.
Dawn: What do you know?
Spike: I'm a vampire. I know something about evil. You're not evil.
Dawn: Maybe I'm not evil. But I don't think I can be good.
Spike (pause): Well, I'm not good, and I'm okay.
Buffy (about Willow): She was looking to go all payback-y on Glory for a minute, but I cooled her down a little. Actually a lot.
Spike: So she's not gonna do anything rash then.
Buffy: No. I explained there was no point.
Spike (skeptical): Mm-hmm.
Buffy: What?
Spike: You- so you're saying that a powerful and mightily pissed off witch was plannin' on going' and spillin' herself a few pints of god blood until you, what... "explained"?
Buffy: You think she- no. I told Willow it would be like suicide.
Spike: I'd do it. (He looks away.) Right person. Person I loved. (He looks back at her.) I'd do it.
