Spike Quotes, season one, Angel.
In the Dark
Spike: *in high voice*“How can I thank you, you mysterious, black-clad hunk of a night thing?
*low voice* No need, little lady, your tears of gratitude are enough for me. You see, I was once a badass vampire, but love and a pesky curse defanged me. Now I’m just a big, fluffy puppy with bad teeth. No, not the hair! Never the hair! *high voice* But there must be someway I can show my appreciation.
*low voice* No, helping those in need’s my job, - and working up a load of sexual tension, and prancing away like a magnificent poof is truly thanks enough! *high voice* I understand. I have a nephew who is gay, so…
*low voice* Say no more. Evil’s still afoot! And I’m almost out of that Nancy-boy hair-gel that I like so much. Quickly, to the Angel-mobile, away!
* lights a cigarette*
Spike: Go on with you. Play the big, strapping hero while you can. You have a few surprises coming your way. The ring of Amarra, a visit from your old pal Spike, and, oh yeah, your gruesome, horrible death. *Smiles*.
Spike: Angel, I believe you have something I’m looking for: a shiny, little bauble?
Angel: Might as well go home, Spike. The gem of Amarra stays with me.
Spike: Why? Because you are vampire detective now? What’s next? Vampire cowboy? Vampire fireman? Oh, vampire ballerina.
Angel: I do like to work with my legs.
Angel: We duke it out, huh? Is this your big strategy to get the ring back?
Spike: Hey, I had a plan!
Angel: You? A plan?
Spike: A good plan. Smart. Carefully laid out. But I got bored. All that watching, waiting, my legs started to cramp. Enough with the hit’n’quip. Just tell me were the damn ring is.
Angel: It wouldn’t go with your outfit.
Spike: Cordelia. You look smashing. Did you lose weight?
Spike: I’ll get that ring. This isn’t over until one of us is a pile of dust, mate.
Angel: Let her go!
Spike: Did anyone ever tell you you were a real buzz-kill, mate?
Angel: You think you can come to my town and pull this crap? You never learn, Spike.
Spike: I maybe a slow learner…But eventually I learn.
Spike: Marcus is an expert. Some say artist, but I’ve never been comfortable with labels. He’s a bloody king of torture, he is. Humans, demons, politicians, makes no difference. Some say he invented several of the Classics, but he won’t tell me which ones, beneath the cool exterior, you’ll find he is rather shy. Except with kids. You like kids, don’t you Marcus? - Well, likes to eat; and other nasty things.
Marcus: His skin…
Spike: Annoying isn’t it? Still attached.
Marcus: Over 200 years of living and so little external damage. What about internal?
Spike: Do you two need to be alone, or can we go on to the ouchy part?
Marcus: He’s known love.
Spike: Yeah, and with a Slayer no less. How is that for perversion?
Marcus: And he has a soul.
Spike: Right, vampire with a soul. Cursy-cursed to walk the earth trying to do good. That’s not going to be a problem, is it?
Marcus: On the contrary. Creatures with souls have something to lose.
Spike: Souls, fingers, toes… Let’s get chopping, will you? I want my damn ring!
Marcus: What do you want Angel?
Angel: A house in the country, a pair of good running shoes that you can also wear out to dinner.
Spike: Why do you keep asking him that? And why do you keep playing that bleeding Brahms?
Marcus: Actually it’s Mozart. Symphony 41. I find it very effective.
Spike: Yeah? Personally I prefer his older funnier symphonies myself. LOOK I WANT MY RING BACK! If I don’t get it pretty soon, I’m going to stake my old Sire right here and now!
Marcus: Are you finished? He knows you won’t kill him until you get the ring. He knows you’re lying.
Spike: You get it for me.
Angel: You’re an idiot, Spike.
Spike: You think? Because I’m not the one chained to the ceiling with hot pokers in my side.
Angel: You hired a vampire. What do you think he is going to do with the rings when he finds it, huh? Hand it over to you?
Spike: Oh, good Lord, why didn’t I think of…? Oh, wait half a mo’, I did. I hired a guy who doesn’t care about the ring, or anything else on God’s green earth except taking blokes apart one piece at a time. It’s called addiction, Angel. We all have it. I believe yours is named Slutty the vampire Slayer. (music ends and Spike breathes a sigh of relief) Thank you! Speaking of little Buff, I ran into her recently. Your name didn’t come up. Although she has been awful busy jumping the bones of the first lunk-head that came along. Good-looking fellow used her shamelessly. She is cute when she is hurting, isn’t she?
Angel: I think she’s cuter when she’s kicking your ass.
Spike: I think I will go get a bit of fresh air, leave you two kids to it. (Marcus sticks another hot poker through Angel’s thigh, who lets out a short scream) Now that is music!!
Cordy: When you are done giving the place the Johnny Depp once-over I hope you have the cash to pay for all of this.
Spike: Cordelia. Love the hair.
Cordy: Wish I could say the same.
Doyle: That’s close enough.
Spike: What is it with you good guys running in packs? Who is this one then?
Doyle: More than meets the eye.
Spike: Ooh, the Mick’s got spine! Maybe I’ll snap it in two.
Cordy: Do you want me to use this?
Spike: You’ll be dead before that arrow leaves the bow. (Cordy lowers the bow slightly) Now where was I? Bloody tired of looking for that ring. I think you two should take over now.
Doyle: Where is Angel?
Spike: Angel, um – tall brooding guy, caveman brow? He’s having the living hell tortures out of him. And you know how stubborn he can be, he might die before he gives up the ring. Why don’t you two find it real fast and give it to me. I’ll let Angel go.
Cordy: I don’t trust you.
Spike: To coin a popular Sunnydale phrase: ‘duh!’ But you have until sundown to save him. You’ll find me behind Peterson’s Fishery between Seward and Westminster. (walks off) Don’t be late.
Spike: So, where is my ring?
Doyle: Not on us.
Cordy: But we know where it is.
Spike: And suddenly I’m so painfully bored. Time runs short, children. Give me that ring as if Angel’s life depended on it.
Cordy: Listen you little Cockney, take us to Angel now.
Doyle: So if he’s still in one piece we tell you where you can find the ring.
Spike: He is still alive I think. In one piece was never part of the deal.
Spike: Lucy, I’m home.
Spike: And our deal was for the ring. You’ve wasted quiet enough of my time, so I’d really like it – NOW!
Doyle: You want the ring, you dog? (pulls it out of his pocket and throws it past Angel) Go fetch!
Cordy: Okay. You’ve got the ring, we’ve got Angel. And now you’re going to leave us alone, and we’re going to leave.
Spike: Come on. You don’t really thin that we’re going to do that, do you?Spike: Son of a bitch! I do the work, I do the digging, fight off a Slayer, drive to LA, fire the help, and what do I get? ROYALLY SCREWWED, is what! Well that cinches it. No more partners. From now on I’m my own man. A lone wolf. Sole survivor. Look out, here comes Spike! The baddest mother… (a beam of sunlight from one of the bullet holes hits the back of his head and his hair ignites) Ahh! I really hope they kill each other.
